How much is too much?

How much do you have to give before you can say you need to preserve yourself?

How much do you have to care before you can stop and care for yourself?

How much of yourself must be sacrificed before you can say you gave it all you had?

How much really is enough?

Sometimes its important to feel what you need to feel. Sometimes you need to take back rather than give. Sometimes you just have to stand up fir yourself and not worry about whose feelings are hurt. 

Sometimes you have  to ask yourself,  how much is too much

Every Day is a Brand New Choice

Every day is a choice. When you wake up in the morning you have to choose to be in a good mood. You have to choose to smile at those you see. Some days this choice is harder to make than other days but the choice is still there. Depending on what you choose and how you choose it, your day can be either very successful or, not so much.

Recently there have been a lot of things happening in my world. Some of you have read the blog and are aware, some of you maybe not. The point is, every day when I get up, I have to choose to be happy for myself and for my daughter. Some days that is a much more difficult choice to make, but I have to make it because I have to move forward.

With every door that closes a new door will open. My heart has been broken and I can not imagine ever being truly happy again at this very moment, but I do know in time, that I will heal from this pain and happiness is what I make of it, NOT what happens or doesn't happen in my life.

In dealing with the current situation in my life, I attended a support group on Friday night. I have never been in this situation and honestly don't know too many people that can relate. I know many, many people but not many that have been in this situation, from the same perspective. Anyway, as I said, with every door that closes, another opens. While at the support group I met a handful of very nice, supportive and interesting people. I did not meet anyone in my situation. Who I did meet was entirely much better than that! 

The minute I walked into the room for the meeting my eyes beheld a very tall woman. I came in behind her so didn't see her face immediately but something told me the moment I saw her, that this was going to be the person that made a difference in my life. As the meeting began to come to order and she took her seat, I noticed the kindness and the true compassion in her face. After the announcements that all gatherings as this have which are important to their cause, the large group broke into two smaller groups. I was in the same group with this woman that had caught my eye.

After we were seated in our smaller group and we began our discussion, I realized that this woman is the president of this organization and her wife was the facilitator of the group. Leave it to me to have to make connections with the big wigs right? Hey, I didn't choose this. This is the path the Lady is leading me down. Not only is this woman the leader of this organization, she is studying psychology and she is a pagan. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I have just scored a hat-trick. After the meeting was over we stood and talked until they kicked us out and we had to leave. Upon getting to the parking lot we stood and talked for another hour. We exchanged phone numbers on the premise that if I needed anything to help with my situation to feel free to call. They had been through similar although not exactly the same situations and could relate and help us through this.

The next morning I received a good morning text from the president of the group! I was touched that she was so considerate! We texted off and on through out the day and I learned many things. The most important thing I learned is that the Lady has never let me down. The next lesson I learned is that you are always placed in contact with those you need, and with those that need you. I definitely need this person in my life because she and I can connect on so many levels. She knows both sides of what I am going through. She can related to the confusion and the pain. She understands the hurt and the anger. Most importantly she also understands my unique situation of being the only pagan in a sea of Southern Christianity. During our conversation off and on through the day I realized not only do I need her help; she also needs mine.

She has been a solitary witch for a time and is looking to learn the old ways. She has been searching for connections and information and the Lady led me directly to her. I have been blessed with many friends and contacts in the Pagan Community. I feel quite certain that I can help her with some of her studies. I also feel very confident that when she needs more that I can give or information I don't have, I can put her in contact with the people that can take her in the direction she is seeking. I feel very blessed and extremely honored that the Lady chose me for this. I can not explain to you the feeling I have when I look at this person. I KNOW without a doubt we were meant to meet and that we need each other right now. I have found a new, not only friend, but sister in the path through this ordeal and I know that this journey has just begun.

Today I choose to be happy. As I wipe away the tears of pain from the heartache I feel, I choose to be happy. I know there is a future. My problem was that I had become complacent in believing I knew what that future held for me. I have been reminded that we have no idea what the future hold. That doesn't mean there is no future! I know I will still have plenty of times where choosing to be happy is more difficult than others, but I will always make that choice. I choose to be happy and I choose to follow the Lady down the glorious path she leads me. 

The sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.
 

Blog Hop! Today is Tag and Follow Friday!

  Good Friday afternoon. I realize Ive been quiet lately. After a week of such drama it all fell silent. I apologize. I am here today because I need to be, but among other reasons, I was invited to play along in a blog hop that is sponsored by The Domestic Witch. What is a blog hop you ask? It is a rather fun and interesting way to put you all in touch with other folks and new information. Kind of like a poker run but with blogs instead of bars and information and friends rather than a poker card. The end result is not to raise money for any event, but to raise awareness. Yours and ours. Awareness of information you may not have known, and to bring the wonderful blogs we are all acquainted with to the table. Especially since you may follow some I dont know about, and I may follow some you don't know about. Are you ready, let's go along for the ride and meet some new and interesting people.

Now, like any good campaign, there are a few rules. But we all know that rules are not always bad. They give us structure so we can all know the objective and strategies to coming out in the same spot! Today I am tagging As the Phoenix Rises. If you are interested in playing please hop over to the The Domestic Witch and have a look at the rules.

The question for this week is: Why did you begin blogging?

My Answer:

I really put off blogging for a long time. I didn't think that I could write every day and keep people interested. My friends all loved the posts I would put on facebook about the antics of my children and grandchildren and kept telling me I should write a blog. Eventually I realized that my entire facebook wall was becoming filled with posts about the daily goings on in my home. Some related to family matters, some related to spiritual matters. But the posts were growing longer and longer. Finally at the urging of some good friends, I gave in and began to blog.

My blogs vary. Much like my facebook posts varied. Sometimes my posts are very pagan related and very much about my journey, but mostly they are about my life. My life as a Mom. My life as a Nana. And also my life as a Witch. Recently they have been about Gay Rights awareness and how the Gay Lifestyle has affected my world. I am sure they will be about the pain and the agony of loss and the strength and will of healing as well. When I write I tend to write what I feel so most of my blogs are passionate and personal. There are of course the blogs that are humorous, but also personal, such as the blogs that are usually about my daughter and her antics. If you are curious, go back to the one about her deciding to paint my house purple! You will understand.

Thank you for taking the time to visit today and please play along and follow some the links in my post and the others to see what a wonderful journey you may go on and what fantastic things you may learn! Have a wonderful day and thanks for stopping in today!

Love, Light and Blessings!

The Sting and the Burn

Sometimes the truth is a very painful thing to accept. It can totally cripple you mentally and emotionally. Sometimes two truths at one time are more than we can handle for the time being. The one thing that we have going for us is the ability to process the information and to eventually come to a point where we can begin to process and accept these truths no matter how much we dislike them or disagree with them.

I would like to take the time and the space here to apologize to my in laws. Not for WHAT was said, but for the timing.

Sometimes we act out of impulse and emotion. I am human and am guilty of that as well as others. I try to be careful no matter how emotional I am and not say things that I can not take back. I forget that this is a lesson I have been learning for many years and not all people are as cautious or even on that path at all.

The thing is, the family was all upset because I expressed my feeling publicly here in my blog rather than say it in private. My reason for this is two fold. The first and front most reason for it being said in my blog is that lies and secrets, shame and embarrassment is what caused this situation in the first place. There is nothing to be embarrassed about our ashamed of. If those are the feelings you have they are yours alone to deal with. The second reason that this was said in a blog is to bring awareness to others. If this is a situation that can happen in our family then I am sure that it is happening in many families all over the world. What I was trying to do is bring awareness to the pain that your words and actions cause. I want people to THINK before the have that knee jerk reaction that caused so much pain in my home.

Never did I doubt for a minute, nor did I intend to infer that my in laws do not love my husband. I think in their pain and confusion that was misunderstood. My point was simply that the response that was given caused more pain and more hurt than the secrets that had been kept for so long.

I know this is a very difficult thing to digest. I am not exactly having an easy time of it myself. It is not easy to accept that someone you love more than anything and someone you thought you knew, turned out to be someone you didn't really know at all. The important thing to remember now that we have all had a little bit of time to rethink our initial responses is that the person he is has not changed. He is still the same man. He is still the same son. He is still the same Daddy and he is still my best friend.

It is going to take plenty of time for the wounds to heal. His, theirs and mine. I hope that in time he can heal from the hurt and the pain and that they can love him completely without judgment or reservation. As far as I am concerned, the only thing that matters is that he has someone to support and stand by him. I support him and stand by him because I love him. That is all that mattered. I put my own pain on the back burner because I could see the terror in his eyes when he told me. This is not your common marital dispute. I honestly can not see any way that we will ever salvage our marriage. That thought alone devastates me but to be without him entirely is something I can not even begin to fathom. I had to set my own pain aside to help him get through this. I will deal with my pain separately. Right now the focus is on rebuilding and reinforcing our friendship so that we can raise our daughter together and give her the stability she needs.

This will be the last blog written on this topic so I will close with this:

There doesn't always have to be a bad guy. Sometimes there is no one to blame. By finding a target to place blame upon we are not accepting the truth as it is. By blaming others for our own insecurities we are failing to learn the very important lessons that are there for us to learn. This is not the first time that I have been made the bad guy or the target for situations simply because I say what I feel. Im sorry if I say things that you are uncomfortable with. I have a long history with being the bad guy. If that helps some of them to get through this then so be it.

Words Carry Power

Yesterday I posted a very personal message. I think in the pain and confusion of the situation that it was extremely misunderstood.

First off, I am in no way judging anyone's religious belief. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own belief and opinion.
Secondly, I never stated in any way shape or form that my in laws do not love their son.
Third, it really does not matter to me the opinion you have of me.

The whole point of this was that my husband bared his soul and shared information he KNEW would hurt and upset his family, but it NEEDED to be shared.

If anyone thinks this has been easy for me, think again. My entire world has been destroyed. Everything as I knew it to be has changed. My marriage no longer remains the same, my future is completely uncertain, my day to day life is now filled with heart ache and sorrow. There is a grief here that is deeper than anyone sees.

While so many people are making this about them and creating more drama than necessary, my husband and I are cleaving together to try to weather this storm.

My husband needs compassion and support. What he received was criticism and bible verses. That is a fact that can not be denied nor changed. What the intent was at this point doesn't matter. It was the approach that was painful. It was painful to my husband because he needed compassion and felt rejected. It was painful to me because I saw the strength he worked so hard to obtain, rapidly drain from his body. I saw the pain and the horror on his face. You can try to mend that and clarify your intention, but that doesn't remove the pain or the impression that was left. Those things although not impossible to come back from, are very difficult to fully repair.

The family is upset because I posted my opinion publicly. I was as respectful as I could be considering the circumstances and I did not post anything until my husband had read it and told me to post it. Secrets and lies are what we are trying to overcome. The biggest challenge he has had is to break the silence and stop keeping secrets. I am sorry if you feel disgraced or ashamed. Those are YOUR feelings if you have them. It takes a lot strength for Tim to do what he did. Instead of hating him or feeling betrayed, I chose to love him and support him.

I realize I have had a month to try to come to terms with this while the rest of the family has only had a day. I also understand how hard this is for someone that is so deep in their belief to wrap their head around. None of that changes the fact that this is your son and when he needed you the most, you let him down. All of the arguing and the name calling and the finger pointing isn't going to change what is. Tim can not unsay what he said and he can not go back to lying and pretending to being someone he is not. Nothing will go back to how it was. That doesn't mean that there cannot be love. That doesn't mean that he is not the same person. That doesnt mean that in time, you may not come to accept without judgement.

I don't know how this will turn out for anyone but myself. For me, I know that the unconditional love and support, the lack of judgment and the never wavering loyalty I have given to him will bring to me the love and best friend in the end. I know that even though this is tough, throwing my personal pain into it is NOT going to fix it. I know that in the end for me, regardless of what happens to my marriage, my husband will remain my best friend and I will not lose the love or the bond we have.

The family needs someone to focus their hurt and their pain on. Of course that is me because I posted the blog. That is okay. I was well aware of the fall out before I posted it. I was also well aware of the fact that blaming me is much easier than dealing with the truth. I have been the "blame" for many issues over the last 10 years. Some of it is generated by fear and some of it is generated by the refusal to examine your own actions and behaviors. Its okay. I know who I am and I know my value. I also know that those things are NOT dependent on the opinion nor the approval of others.

What you may not know and may not be ready to accept is that the continued blaming and finger pointing, the continued judgement and the continued criticisms will only drive a bigger wedge into an already damaged family. If you truly love Tim then you need to let go of all of your preconceived notions and love him for who he is. He is still an amazing man. He is still a loving and supportive husband. He is still a fantastic Daddy. He is still the same person he was 2 days ago. The only thing that has changed is your perception.

Perception is reality. Words have power. Emotionally charged situations have the tendency to cause irreparable damage. Think about the words you choose to share with others and think about the perception both the perception you have and the perception you are hoping to create.

This life is too short to burn it up with hatred and resentment. This life is too valuable to be close minded and insecure. Your fear and pain will cause bigger problems if you don't face them than anything I can ever say.

Again, you don't have to like me. You don't have to like what I say. You can blame me for the things you can't find the strength to accept. I am alright with that. What I would like everyone here to think about is this:

What exactly is the relationship you would like to have with Tim? And how do you think your actions are going to achieve that?

I want a loving companionship. My actions are going to carry me in that direction. Are your words and actions taking you the direction you want to go?

We'll Burn in Hell Together!

So much has happened in my world over the last month. There has been so much confusion, heart ache and devastation. Yet there has also been so much compassion, understanding and growth. I know a lot of you have seen my posts on FB that don't seem like me. If you have been my friend either in real life or on FB for any length of time then you know that I generally try to be a positive and upbeat person. I am usually very tolerant and patient. I may joke or come off as someone that tolerates no bull but in reality, I try to be very understanding of the plights of others. No matter how hard I try to be understanding, some things just dont make any sense to me.

I am about to share with you some very personal and some very sensitive information. If you can not handle pure honesty and 100% truth then stop reading this now. If you can not handle the idea that someone's opinion may differ from yours, stop reading now. If you are so set in your mind that your belief is the only belief then STOP READING NOW!

I have forever been an advocate of equality. Racial equality, sexual equality, gender equality, you name it. In my mind you are the person you are, not the title you wear. Who you are on the inside is so much more important that what clothes you wear or what church you go to.

I am fed up to my eyebrows with people who claim to love and be good people only to show themselves as extremely judgmental and controlling.

About a month ago I discovered that my husband of the last seven years (we have been a couple for 10) is gay. He has spent his whole life lying and suppressing who he is because of the controlling and overbearing opinions of his parents. As much devastation that this has brought into my world, as much as this has totally shattered all my hopes and dreams for my future, I have tried my hardest to stand behind him and be supportive. We have had very many emotional outbursts in the last month but the top priority and what we keep coming back to is the well being and what is best for our 3yr old daughter. (Remember the monster that painted my house in lavender hand lotion?) We feel that it is best that she has her Mommy and her Daddy.

This morning my husband finally gathered the nerve to tell our adult children and his parents the truth. This was NOT an easy decision for him and I saw the agony on his face as he delivered the message to each of them. Immediately following the receipt of this message my children responded with all the love and compassion I expected of them. They not only wanted to be sure that their Mom was alright but they wanted their "Dad" to know that this changed nothing and they still love him and support him. Of course they were not happy that their parents are getting divorced, but they were all very supportive of their dad and his choice to finally tell the truth and stand up for who he is.

His children have not responded.

Shortly after sending this message to his parents, on cue and as we expected, his father called him and immediately began to tell him how wrong this is and that he can get help for this. He also began reciting scripture and bible verses and then told my husband how this is killing his mother. With all due respect to my inlaws, All I can say is REALLY?? I mean REALLY??

Your son just stood up and did the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and you are going to start preaching at him and telling him he is wrong? I think he would know whether or not it was a choice to be gay, after all it is HE who is gay. If you are not gay, and obviously since you are so ANTI gay it is safe to say you aren't, then how in the world would you KNOW if it is a choice or not? You dont! I dont care what you believe or what the bible says. If you believe that and choose to be lead by it that is fine for you. How many times do we have to have the argument that what is good for you is not necessarily good for others? Why in the world can you not accept your son without trying to guilt him into your way of believing? Can you not understand that your controlling and condescending attitude is why we are at this cross road in the first place? Can you not see that had you been more open minded and more accepting of your son in the first place he would not have had to lie and suppress his inner truth and there fore would never have married me and drug myself and my family into this as well?

I am not blaming my in laws for my husband being gay. It is not the 'fault' of anyone. It is not wrong so there is no fault. I am not blaming my inlaws for my life being destroyed or devastated. My husband could have been stronger and went against them sooner. What I am blaming my in laws for is the way they are treating him. Don't tell him you love him but continue to tell him that he is a sinner and that he needs help to see YOUR way of thinking. It is my entire future that has been upended and I am supporting him and standing behind him. Why can't you?

I have adult children. I know what it is like to be disappointed with some of their lifestyles. I don't condemn them or guilt them into doing things my way.

I will never understand for the life of me why it is so hard for people to love their children without judgment. I dont understand how you can not set your own feelings aside for just a moment and put yourself in his place. He just told the people he loves and admires the most something he KNEW they would not like and you reacted exactly the way he was afraid you would. What he needs now is support and understanding NOT condemnation and guilt trips. This is not about YOUR pain. This is not about MY pain. This is about a man who has lived his whole life in lies and deceit because he was afraid of your judgments. This is about a man who has finally broken so completely because he couldnt live with the lies anymore. This is about a man that just stood up and did the most difficult thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and a man who needs love and understanding right now.

I know this has turned into a rant and I apologize but I am still very upset on my husband's behalf. We have a lot of things that we need to sort out. We have decided to divorce. We also are working together to make this an amicable separation and to co parent our daughter so that her life is impacted as little as possible by this. We are trying to come to a place where our friendship can stand strong and outlive the heartache and the loss. This is an extremely emotional time for us and our unit. We will not allow any negativity into it. If you can not be supportive of the changes we are going through and you can not be supportive of the issues that we face then we do not need you to be involved right now.

I have always been the outcast and my soul is prayed for repeatedly because I am not a christian. I am not a bad person. I am not  doing anything immoral or wrong. If praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means pray. I am used to shouldering the blame. I am the inlaw after all. I am sure that it will eventually be decided that I have hexed or possessed my husband and I have caused him not to believe in god, which by the way, he came to me for information I have never tried to influence him and I am sure it will come out somehow to be my fault and I have turned him gay.

First off, I dont care what you believe as long as you dont shove it on me. Secondly, I have never put a spell on my husband for any reason. Thirdly, you can not make someone gay. They either are or they arent. Lastly and most importantly, I dont care if you dislike me or blame me. My husband and best friend needs the all the love and support he can get right now and if Me and MY children are the only ones to give it to him then we are all he needs right now. Not a single soul in my family has judged him. My entire family has been supportive and understanding. Maybe that is the reason he is not going "home". Maybe "home" is what he was running away from.

Collatteral Damage

Being a water baby I do my best thinking in the shower. While in the shower today a thought occurred to me.

"Do we REALLY have any idea what kind of impact we have with our words?"

I just wonder if the strict bible believing parents who preach that it is a sin to be gay and that it is shameful and immoral, really know what impact they have. Or, more importantly how far that impact can reach.

Let's just imagine for a moment if we will that we are teaching our children it is wrong, immoral or inappropriate to be gay. Let's just assume that it worked fine for the first child and that child grew to teach the same things to his/her family. Now let us look at child number 2 or 3. We are teaching all of our children the same lessons. We are teaching them all to have the same values we have. BUT... are we considering the fact that all children are individuals? They each have their own personalities.  Are we considering that maybe child 2 or child 3 could be gay? Of course we aren't. Because being gay is a choice right? Because they could not possibly have been born that way. So we do one of two things, we either refuse to acknowledge and believe they are gay or we chastise them for making a choice that is so wrong and vile. Either way, we are doing detrimental damage to this child.

We raise our children in a world where we tell them they can be anything they want to be. We tell them they can be a doctor or a lawyer. We tell them they can be the next president of the united states. They can be anything they want to be. BUT, They can not be gay. We are teaching our children to live in lies and shame.

When you force a child to live with your values you are refusing to let that child be an individual. You are refusing to let that child bloom into whatever it was they were meant to be. When you are so vocal and so condescending, when you are so judgmental of those that are different from you or what YOU perceive to be good, you are teaching child number 2 or 3 that you will not love them if they are not what you approve of. You are teaching your child to lie and pretend to be some one they are not in order to obtain your love.

As if this is not enough damage, you are damaging the future of this child and all of their relationships. This child was born gay. That is something you are refusing to accept. Because this child knows you will never love them if they are gay, they pretend they are not. Sometimes going through the teen and young adult years alone because they have no idea what they are supposed to do. Sometimes marrying and even having children because that is what "they are supposed to do". Now your morals and values are far reaching. Now you have an in law and grandchildren that are living the lie. Now there is an innocent party that has been pulled into this lie. This "in law" has no idea that child number 2 or 3 is gay because child number 2 or 3 is still lying to him/herself. Now we have children added to that.

When someone is born gay, and they ARE, they can only fight it for so long. Eventually this child, now become adult, gets tired of living the lie. There comes a point where the NEED to be who you are born to be becomes so overwhelming that at this point, it does not matter who gets hurt. This child has been hurting for so many years and has lived their entire life as a lie, that pain overflows and becomes toxic to all that are involved. The "inlaw" we spoke of becomes collateral damage. Child number 2 or 3 never intended to hurt the "in law". All they wanted was to please you, the parent. The in law is now devastated, has lost all hopes and dreams and does not understand why they were pulled into a lie to begin with. Child number 2 or 3 experiences the guilt and pain of having hurt someone who was innocent and only loved them. What about those grandchildren we spoke of earlier?

Those grandchildren are now devastated because mom and dad are splitting up. These children now wonder what they did wrong and why their mom and dad dont love them any more. These children are now a product of a broken home. We wont even go into the struggles of a single parent or what THOSE effects have on children, although all of this was caused by your closed mind and refusal to accept that someone could be not only born gay, but be a good person in spite of it.

How many generations do you have to reach down into before you start to realize that maybe, JUST MAYBE, there is nothing wrong with being gay. MAYBE just because you don't understand it DOESN'T make it wrong. MAYBE you should have been more open minded and loved your children equally and unconditionally. MAYBE, you should have listened to your child instead of your bible.

The bible was written by men. Men have opinions and make mistakes. I am not here to slam anyone that believes in the Christian faith, but to live your life by a book that blatantly contradicts itself in more than one area should make you wonder if it should really be the law of your life.

We as people are free to make our own choices. We are free to choose our faith. We are free to choose our mate. Would you really like it if all of a sudden your choice of a mate or partner were outlawed? What if all of a sudden it was illegal to marry someone of the opposite sex? Would you still be with someone of the opposite sex? I mean after all, laws are made by men. The same type of men that wrote that book. Men that believe that what THEY believe is right and everyone else is wrong.

Think again about how far your impact has reached. You follow a book written by men. Your child is gay and feels unloved their entire childhood. Now you have a grown adult child that is gay and you are struggling to understand how this could have happened. You did everything right. You taught them about brimstone and fire. Why did they do this to YOU?? REALLY?

Why did you do this to them? Why did you do this to their family? Why did you do this to their children?

Why do any of us need to be so close minded that we can not see the pain we are causing to so many? Why can we not just love each other and let them be who they are? Why is any of that an issue or a problem?

My daughter will be raised to know that people are people and that none are superior nor inferior to another. My daughter will be taught to love people for who they are, not for who they love.

How will you raise yours?

Seriously......... WHAT IF??

I began this blog to have a place to vent. To have a place to share bits of my life. To be able to give others a view into what goes on in the mind and the world of your average, everyday, good hearted pagan. I do not consider myself to be anyone special. I mean, I KNOW what my value is and I know my self worth. That is enough. What I mean by no one special is that I am not famous. I am not a movie star or a music icon. I am not a pro sports athlete. I am just me. I am just a woman that lives her life the best way she knows how to live. I raised my children and made mistakes. I love my grandchildren more than I ever thought I could love anyone; including my children. I am married and live in middle class America. I stay at home to raise my 3 year old daughter and teach her the things that I hold important and dear. Until very recently, I was a full time working woman and had been for more than 28 years. I have held 2 and 3 jobs at a time in order to do what was needed to provide for my family. I have been a single mother and was for many years. I have been a step parent. I have been a bonus mom and I have had children that came along with a relationship, that when that relationship ended, the child and I continued and developed our loving and nurturing relationship. To this day and every day beyond, I still call her my daughter and she still calls me her mom.

No matter how many hats I have worn in my life, from mother to wife  to sister to daughter to step parent to ex wife to Nana to pagan to witch, the one thing I have never been able to wrap my head around is how anyone could preach unconditional love and yet NOT love unconditionally. This happens all the time. At least more often than most of us are even aware.

I have loved my own children no matter what choices they have made. Whether I agree with them or not, my love and acceptance of my children has never wavered and they KNOW that. I have loved the children of my spouse and his previous partner as they were my own. We have had the same struggles that any blended family does, but I have loved each and every one of those children as if I had given birth to them myself. After divorcing my previous husband, his daughter and I remained extremely close and to this day she is MY daughter and I challenge anyone to tell me differently. Including him! I love the children of my current husband as if I had given birth to them also. His son is very warm and welcoming of the relationship and his daughter has chosen to push me aside and resent me. Those are their choices as individuals and they are entitled to them. This has not changed my love for them or the parental instinct to help them if they needed help. With all of this being said, I can not imagine turning them away if they needed love or support. Most of you say you feel the same way. But do you?

My children do not all have the same religious beliefs or the same spiritual path that I do or that their siblings do. I can not imagine condemning my child or disowning my child for being an individual. People do.

Here is the real point of this blog. What would you do if your child were to come and tell you that they are gay? You have spent your whole life preaching your version of faith and religion and you have taught them that following your religion is the only way that is right. What kind of turmoil do you think you have caused in the mind of a child that wants to do what is right, but can not help how they feel? Are you so hung up on your belief and your religion that you will turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the needs of your child? Or are you a parent first and do you listen to your child and try to understand and support them? Are you so stringent in your belief that your child is too afraid to speak to you? You say they can come to you with anything, but can they really?

When your child over hears your gossip with the other church folk about how bad it is that someone left their spouse for a member of the SAME sex and they listen to you condemn that person to hell, do you think they are going to want to come to you with their own sexuality? When you openly throw bible verses to prove the wrongness or the sinfulness of an act is that comfort to your child? What happens when your child is so worried about pleasing you and doing the right thing that they suppress all of their emotion so that they don't have to think about being gay or about your disapproval? Do you have any idea the damage you are causing psychologically? Do you even care? Or are you one of those people that no matter WHO is gay, you believe it is a choice they make and that you can convince them to change their mind?

I tell you right now, my sons are not perfect in ANYONE's eyes. They have done things that are very morally wrong. Things that I disagree with and things that I will NEVER condone or approve of. I am well aware of the things they have done. This does not mean that I do not love them. I love each and every one of my children. I love them UNCONDITIONALLY! I don't tell them, "I love you but only if you don't go to jail" I say, "I'm not proud of your choices at times, but I love you and I am proud of YOU". I don't say, "I love you but only if you don't beat your girlfriend." I say, "You know I do not agree with what you are doing, but I do love you." I may encourage them stop the behavior that I do not like but I do not disown them or stop loving them. If my child came home to me and told me they were gay, I would be supportive of that in a world that is so condemning. If my white skinned, blond haired boys brought home a black girl, an Asian girl, a Mexican girl, a Korean girl OR any other kind of girl I would welcome her into my family and love her as I love my own children. If my white skinned blond hair boys brought home a black man, a Mexican man, a Korean man, or any other man, I would welcome him into my family and love him as I love my own as well. The same thing goes for my daughter. Although she is in a very loving and happy relationship with a wonderful man, if she were to bring home a woman and say to me, "Mom, this is so and so and she is my girlfriend." I would open my home and my hear to my daughters mate no matter who it was.

This my friends is what unconditional love truly is.It is the ability to love without condition, without judgment and without hesitation. This is unfortunately NOT the way some people love. Some people are so hung up on what is right or wrong that they never consider any other way. By having a preconceived notion of what is supposed to be, you are putting conditions on your love. By preaching to the world that being gay is a sin, you are telling your child that if you are gay, I will not love you. By preaching to the world that being a pagan is a sin, you are telling your child that if you do not believe what I believe I will not love you. By worrying about what everyone else is doing, you are damaging your own.

People PLEASE! Stop and understand the damage you are causing by having such a closed mind! If it is not right for you, no one will make you do it. That does NOT mean that it is not right for someone else. Somehow we have come to worry more about others than what it is our own home and our own hearts. We have callused ourselves to anything that is other than what we want, choose or believe. What happened to love and be loved? What happened to live and let live? Why are we all out to prove everyone else wrong or to hate anything we do not understand?

I am telling you now that until you have a relative that is gay, you have no idea HOW you would react. Until you have a loved one that is something different than you are, and could not help that or choose to be different than that, you have no idea WHAT you would do.

Would you stop loving a child or disown a child that was disfigured or had a disability from birth? Would you reject or deny a child that was born with a physical or mental difference than yourself? If you can answer no to either of those questions, then why would you not love someone who is different in other ways? Why is it alright to pick and choose your prejudices? Why is it right to be prejudiced at all?

By having a closed mind and a vocal hatred for things, you are causing more harm in the long run. Your children hear what you say. They know in their hearts and their souls who they are from a very young age. Listening to your discriminatory and derogatory comments affect them in ways you can not even imagine. They learn to hide things and suppress things. They learn to lie to others and to themselves. They learn to pretend that what is -- isn't. The problem with this is that years down the road, and often times MANY years down the road, the lies have worn at them. It has affected their self esteem. It has affected their relationships. It has affected their lives in so many ways that you can not begin to count. Eventually the lies, as with any infection, will seep to the top and begin to ooze out. Eventually they can no longer suppress the secrets and the horror of mixed emotions is unbelievable!

You can not imagine the hours of therapy that it takes to get your head right when you have spent your whole life living a lie. When you know in your soul that you are one way but you have pretended to be another in order to make your parents happy. So that you wouldn't be judged. So that they wouldn't stop loving you.
I am glad for this reason that although I do NOT approve of some of the choices my children make, I have never given them a mold to try to fit into.

This may actually make sense to some of you and you may stop and look at what you are doing, but I am sure the one's that really need this are the one's that will probably judge me also.

I don't care who you are. I don't care who you do. I only care that you are a decent and respectable person toward me. When I say I try to be the best person I can be, I mean that.

What happened to "God created man in his likeness"? What happened to, "Judge not lest ye be judged"? What happened to, "Love thy neighbor"?

No where did it say God created all man in his likeness except gays. No where did it say you can judge others as long as you use the bible to hide behind. No where does it say to love thy neighbor unless they are gay, or black, or pagan or different from you in any other way.

Most importantly, stop lying to yourselves. Stop telling yourself that it is okay to pass these judgements. Stop teaching your children double standards. Stop teaching prejudice and hatred.

If you have to resent gays or blacks or pagans, then do it peacefully. You are most definitely entitled to your own opinion, but that doesn't mean you need to be so freely sharing it. If it does not affect you directly, meaning it is not your spouse or your house, then mind your own damn business and keep your damn mouth shut.

In the meantime, as a spiritual counselor, I would like to say that my job and my life would have been a whole lot easier if it were not for the parents that teach their children nothing but conformity. If you were a little more in tune with LIFE and a little less worried about control, you might have seen some of the signs. Instead, you have spent a lifetime in denial and given your child a lifetime of misery and self loathing.

Can Anybody Hear Me??

Sometimes I feel like I am screaming my head off and no one is hearing me. Sometimes I feel like I am asking for help and no one is listening. Sometimes I feel like I can't scream or ask for help because nobody cares.

As a woman who is well on her journey, I am very well aware that life happens how it is meant to. I am also very well aware of the fact that everything happens as it should. There is a purpose to everything and though I may not be aware of that purpose, it does not mean there isn't one. I have spent many a day and night counseling others in such matters. I have listened to so many who needed an ear or who needed a shoulder. This is my calling and it is what I do. I love what I do. I love the opportunity to help someone through a rough spot or to help them find the first steps on the path of a life time. I find it extremely satisfying to think that I may have played even a tiny role in the happiness that others find in their lives. Sometimes though, I feel as though I am invisible.

Sometimes I feel that because it is my calling to lead others to peace and understanding in their lives that I can not ask for a little guidance of my own. Sometimes I feel like others think because I am there to help guide them and remind them of the greater plan that I never need any guidance or understanding of my own. It is a difficult position to be in and you can begin to feel burned out rather quickly sometimes.

It is not only a blessing but also a burden to be the one who helps so many others. The blessing I have stated above, with being even a small part in their growth and development. The burden is the part where people come to you repeatedly for their own guidance and support yet no one realizes when you need the same. It is almost like being a child in the fifth grade when you think your teachers know EVERYTHING!

I am human. I need support from time to time as well. Sometimes I need to fall apart and not hold it all together, Not for me and not for you. Sometimes I need someone else to hold me and let me fall apart only to tell me it will all work out and then help me pick up my pieces later. Sometimes I am quite capable of doing this on my own and other times I am not. I am human.

Sometimes I feel as though everyone is so caught up in their own problems and their own sorrows that they forget that others out there may be suffering as well. It seems (again) that if you are a healer in any way, you can not need any healing of your own.

I don't need everyone to flock to me now and ask me if I am alright or if I need to talk. By the time it gets to the point I feel that I am screaming and no one can hear me, it is beyond the point of compassion. By the time I get to the point that I want to crawl in a hole and never come out, I am beyond needing a shoulder or an ear.

Sometimes this is my own doing because I won't tell anyone when I need help or I feel that my issues are issues that can not be discussed. I am not perfect. I am human. But please, do me a favor and remember that while your issues are serious so are the issues of others. Remember that even though you feel like your situation is the most pressing, so does everyone else. And please, remember to have some compassion for others and take the time to care. Don't ask if you don't care, because we know. But if you do care, make some time no matter what is going on in your world to listen and to be there. You never know when you might be needed.

And to those that are always making the effort and always available, thank you deeply for being who you are.  People like you are the people that matter the most to people in need. <3 <3

Some Things Change; Some Don't

Have you ever noticed how you can tell when things change in a persons life?

If you are friends and you chat daily on Facebook or on the phone it's probably likely that you would notice when things change for them. If they don't talk to you for a few days or even weeks, you assume that they are busy or you were busy with your own things and you are glad to see them when they return. What happens when they gradually start pulling away. Do you even notice?

Honestly, I doubt you do. We are all so busy with our own lives and our own woes that we seldom even realize who is in our world from day to day. With a combination of our busy lives we tend to over look people more and more regularly. It isn't that we mean to. We simply just carry on with what we are doing and all of a sudden out of nowhere we realize there is a piece missing. Sometimes we dont even know how long that piece has been missing before we discover it.

We really have over loaded our lives with stress and pressure. We don't take the time to tell the ones we care about how much we really do care. Even more importantly we don't take the time we need to reach out and touch the lives of those that have held such a spot in ours. Part of this I would say is the growth of society and technology but honestly I think that this is so much simpler than that. I think we have all gotten selfish and lazy.

How many of you were raised with the values that you spend holidays and traditional celebrations with your family? Remember going to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving? All the family was there and all the cousins played together? Remember birthday parties for the kids and all the adults gathered and talked like they were still kids and the parties were still for them? How many still call their mother once a week? How many take the time to visit?

I have to say that I am as guilty as the next. I try to reach out to those I love and I try to stay connected but the truth is, I too get so wrapped up in my own life and my own affairs that I forget to make that effort. My mother crossed the veil when I was 21 so my children didn't have grandparents growing up. I had no one to call on mother's day and no one to visit for Thanksgiving or Yule. For many many years I have had just myself and my children. As the children got older, they spent special holidays with their in laws or extended family so I found myself working more and more.

Im sure that we all understand these situations even if they are not describing you. What happens though, when you have that disconnect with your spouse or your children. Can you live in a house with someone day in and day out and never connect? Can you go through the motions and never really have the feeling? What happens when you wake up and realize this is what you have been doing? Is there a way to re connect? Are you sure that you even want to?

What happens when you disconnect from your friends? When you stop making even the little effort you used to make? Do these friends reach out to you? Or do they let you fade into the back ground?

I think there are so many answers to all of these questions. I think that the answer for each and every person is as individual as they themselves are unique.

I think that we need to find time to connect with those we love. I think we need to find time to slow down and enjoy the connections before they are lost. I think we need to retrain ourselves to reach out regularly. You never know when you are going to be the ONLY one trying to reach out or how badly someone may need you to reach out for them.

We do not pay enough attention to each other these days. Now that everything is electronic, I can drop you an email or a text to let you know I care, but is that really personal enough? In some cases it is. But in some cases, you can see a whole lot less in a text or email than you could in person.

If you care you should make some time. Even just a little time. We do not realize who is shutting down or who is crying out if we are not paying attention to those around us. Take some time and reconnect with those you care about. Make an effort and stay connected.

I will too.

Where Do You Draw the Line?

How do you know when you have crossed that line? I mean is there a sign or a warning when you have finally crossed that mental line? When your stress becomes depression, is there a flashing sign that says you have finally lost it? When you know you are doing the wrong thing and that it will have a VERY negative effect on the ones you love, is there a warning bell or a flashing light? I mean of course there isn't REALLY, but mentally... is there something there to tell you that you are about to cross a line of no return? I mean I just don't understand how some people can cross a line that will so blatantly change their lives and then the only defense they have for it is, "I'm sorry."

What are you sorry for? Are you sorry for crossing the line? Are you sorry that it had the effect you knew that it would? Are you sorry that you knew you were making a bad choice but made it anyway? I mean, how can you say you are sorry when you made that choice knowingly. If you were truly sorry wouldn't you have made a different choice?

For me, there is definitely a warning. I know that I am about to lose it. I know that I am about to go ape shit crazy and lose my marbles. I know that if things do not change I will go mad. I know that I have enough stress that I am at a breaking point and I don't want to break. When I have a choice that is going to affect those around me and I KNOW without a doubt that it will not be something good, I have to hesitate before I make a choice. I have to weigh my odds and decide which is going to be the worse of the outcomes and then I make my choice. PERSONALLY, I would choose NOT to do something that I knew would devastate my world or my family. I would choose NOT to do something that there is no changing. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way I do. Sometimes you cross a line in a momentary impulse and once you have crossed it there is absolutely no going back. Some people, once that line is crossed figure that since they have already crossed, they may as well stay and play a while. Never realizing that the longer you stay on the other side of the line, the more damage you cause. Sometimes it doesn't matter how long you are on the other side of the line, the fact that you even went there is enough to destroy all you have built.

I guess the point to all of this is to THINK. Seriously, think about what the hell you are doing and how it will affect others around you. There are always options. If that line absolutely MUST be crossed, there are more ways than one to cross. I mean you can cross at the corner or in the middle of the road. You can choose to do this and keep it to yourself until it is exposed and pay double the price, or you can discuss it ahead of time and try to consider your options.

If you know that the decision you are about to make affects someone other than you, maybe you should discuss that choice with the other person that will be affected?

Sometimes your crossing the line can be the catalyst to another crossing a different line. Like that line of mental clarity vs loss. Sometimes one person's bad choice results in another person's mental break. Or one person's mental break can result in another person's crossing a line.

When your life is tied so closely to the lives of others, all of your choices, good and bad will affect the lives of those others. If you have any love or compassion for them at all, stop and heed the warnings. Pay attention to the alarms and warning bells. Don't be so selfish as to cross lines that you can not uncross. Don't be so careless as to throw someone's life into the drain or across another line.

Remember when you make a vow or commitment to another, that all of your choices and all of your decisions will now affect that other and therefore, you should include that other in such choices and decisions.

Your consideration could save someone a mental break. Your accepting responsibility beforehand rather than apologizing afterward may just be the thing that helps them deal with a situation in an adult manner or being emotionally charged and making wrong choices.

Understanding that we are all connected and what one does will affect all others in one manner or another is a huge part of making better choices. Of course you have to want to make better choices and you have to care about the others in order for any of this to matter.

In the end, no matter which way you handle your line crossing, you had better be ready to stand up and take the backlash. There WILL be a back lash. You can either take it like the adult you should have been and try to repair the damage caused and clean up the mess made, or you can be immature and play the blame game and lay fault. Again, the choice is yours.

We have all been hurt. We have all been on the verge of a mental break. I dont know about you but I dont like being place in either position. This is the reason I try to be conscientious of the choices I make and who is going to be affected by them. Its your life, its your choice, this was just my rambling mind with an opinion I felt I needed to voice.

Live well and treat those you love with courtesy and respect. Be the best person you can be and try your damnedest NOT to be the cause of someone's mental break.  Love and be loved.

Things Are Not Always As They Appear

Isn't it ironic how you can think you know someone inside and out only to realize that you have no idea who they really are?

I had a phone conversation with an extremely dear friend of mine yesterday and this was one of the topics we covered. It is amazing to me how we can show other people only what we want them to see.  It is even more amazing to me that you can spend your life with someone, day in and day out, and not know them like you think you do.

I am the kind of person that for the most part, presents myself as I am. I may not let you see me angry or upset. I may not let you see me cry or tell you when Im hurt. I tend to keep the "bad" parts of me hidden so that I will be liked and so that you won't think me a whiner or complainer. But, for the most part, what you see is who I am. I am open, honest, (sometimes to a fault) compassionate and caring. I do not present myself to be something I am not, neither better or worse than I truly am. I just am. Of course, for those friends I have made online, those who don't get the joy of seeing me in person, they may not see as much of my "negative" side as those who are close and in person. Not that I am an overly negative person, but when I am having a very tough time, I tend to get quiet online or I just do not bring all that to the computer.

For my closer friends, the ones that I go to with all my love, my pains, my fears, they get more information and see me in more emotional situations. This would be the same in a day to day life with no online friends. We tend to put on smiles for certain groups of people and allow ourselves to fall apart in front of others. This is a normal thing that most people do. At least I believe it is.

BUT..... what happens when someone who is close to you, someone you bare your soul to, someone you trust hasn't granted you the same intimacies? What happens when someone so close to you has been keeping secrets from you? Whether it is intentionally or not, when you discover those secrets you are crushed. You are hurt on a level of deep that can not be described by words. It feels like the ultimate betrayal because you have trusted them with everything that is sacred to you, yet they have held back or kept something from you.

Why is it that we feel its okay to hide bits of ourselves but it isn't okay for others to hide bits from us? Why do we tend to be hurt or upset when we discover things that were not voluntarily shared? I mean, we do expect our own privacy right? So why do we feel wounded when someone else has theirs? I am not talking about the lies and secrets that can destroy a relationship, that is a whole other matter. What I am talking about is simply incidental information. Example, my favorite color, my favorite song, my favorite thing to do, or my favorite food. How many of my friends truly know these things? They are every day mundane bits that I don't think to share, yet most people who know me might know these things. There are other things that are maybe a tad more personal that I don't share because the relationship from my perspective may not be close enough to share it such as relationship situations or family events. These are things a bit closer to home and sharing privacy of others and therefore are not things I share as openly. You all may know I took the children to Disneyland, but you don't have all the details of the trip or the conversations shared. We all do this.

Where the hurt and the betrayal comes in is where we feel that we have close relationship with someone and they don't feel as close on their side. If we feel closer, we share more. When we share all we have only to find out that the other person didn't share, we feel betrayed. That betrayal can sometimes take on a life of it's own.

It is difficult for us to accept that others may have secrets we don't know. Well, others that are our friends. Strangers have a plethora of secrets and we don't seem to be bothered by that.

I guess my whole point here is, how well do you really know someone? How well can you? At the end of the day when it is all said and done, no matter what YOUR perception is, you only know someone as well as they allow you to.

Self reflection is not selfish

Why is it that when we feel slighted or disturbed over a situation that we tend to become selfish? I say we because I have noticed that I do this also. We become self centered and forget that there are other problems bigger than ours. No matter how severe our problems seem to us, the ones we complain loudest about usually are not life threatening. Usually the ones we complain loudest about are things that we play our own role in but can not see the role we are playing for the misplaced emotions we let overtake us. Those who really have a right to gripe are those that smile and wish us well while never moaning of their issues or the unfairness of it all. We sometimes tend to judge others by a standard we hold for ourselves. The truth is we can not hold another to a standard we live by any more than we like them to hold us to a standard of their making. Why can we remember this when it's time to remind others yet can never seem to recall when it is ourselves passing the judgment? Why does a double standard seem to be so commonplace? I have made a more conscious effort to abstain from such judgment and although I struggle at times I am learning that no matter how I feel at this moment or my moment of hurt, there are so many others with issues that are much more severe than mine. It doesn't mean my issues aren't important it means that when handled with poise and grace rather than selfishness and pain, I have better clarity and focus which leads to a more positive outcome rather than the misery that comes with the negativity and the complaining.

There are people that have failing health. Critically failing. Terminally ill. Of course you don't feel well when you are running a temperature or have a virus, but the fact is, most times it is a common cold or virus that many others suffer as well and you probably will not die from it. We all want someone to take care of us when we don't feel well. We all want someone to take care of us. Instead of being angry that I am ill and no one is babying me or checking on me, I try to remind myself that I will survive this and that there are many many people with illnesses that they may not survive. Is this slight temperature something I should be so negative about? Or should I be grateful that it is only this and not something terminal? 

There are many people out there with relationship issues. Do the problems I have, the ones that seem so overwhelming to me, really outweigh those of another? Of course not. My problems seem like they are the most critical and the most severe because they are MINE. That is the selfishness I am addressing here. Just because I may have some issues that need to be resolved and they are important to me, does not mean that MY issues are the only ones with importance or the ones with the most priority in the grand scheme of things.

I think this world would be a much happier place and we would all be much happier people if we stop living in our sense of self and remember that there are so many others and that each and every one of them is suffering as well. Whether or not they share their suffering is their business. But don't fool yourself for a moment into believing that because someone laughs and smiles and acts as though they have not a care in the world that it isn't exactly that, an act. 

Everyone handles their issues in their own way. Some of us are whiners and complainers and some of us smile and go on as though nothing is wrong as they fall apart on the inside all the while. Don't fool yourself into believing that you are the only one aching or that your ache is any more severe than anyone else. 

How you choose to handle your aches and complaints is your business and it is not my place to judge. It is simply my personal opinion that if we all were a bit more compassionate to the misery of others and a lot less focused on our issues of self, this world would be a much happier place and a lot more people would have a lot less reason to complain so often.

Rebuilding Yourself

I had a friend of mine share a challenge she had undergone. It was a challenge to learn to love yourself. Not just to say you love yourself, but to really learn to love who you are and what you are and all of you deep inside.

I had undergone a transformation some years back that taught me to love myself. I learned that I was a good person and that I was strong enough to handle life on my own. I didn't need a companion. I didn't need a man. I could take care of myself. I could support myself. But most importantly, I could BE myself. I didn't need to pretend to be less than I am. I didn't need to pretend I wasn't as smart as I am. I didn't need to watch my attitude or change my language. I could just be ME.

I learned that if people don't like me for who I am and how I am, then they don't really like me at all. I have learned not to settle for less than I deserve and also not to settle for less than I expect. I was in no hurry to have a partner because I had learned I could do this alone and that made it much easier for me to be selective.

I had spent my whole life, very literally to that point, being told how ugly I was or how fat I was. I was told that I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. I was told that without "him" whether that was the step dad or the boyfriend, or the husband.... that without "him" I would never be anything!

I always knew that I was better and that I deserved better, but it was hard. It is hard to break that shell. It is hard to get out from under the doubt that you are taught from day one. I never thought of myself as beautiful. I never thought of myself as attractive. I never thought I had anything to offer and so I settled for the first man that came by and told me he loved me. I didn't know then that he didn't know what love was or how to love in a healthy manner. I was injured and unhealthy so I didn't recognize that he was too. Looking back I know that we attract what we perceive ourselves to be.

I came from a childhood of being told how fat, ugly and stupid I was only to marry into a relationship that expanded on that. I was no longer a fat, ugly and stupid child, now I was a fat, ugly and stupid wife. Now I was worthless and I was an idiot. I was a bitch and a whore. I was miserable and deserved to be because every beating I got, I had asked for. At least that was his version.

I knew I deserved better and I knew my children deserved better. My problem is that I didn't see myself as better and therefore had a longer and harder struggle in front of me than I could even imagine. Skipping many years of gruesome details let's fast forward to the point where I learned the lesson to love me and to know that I am not the worthless things they told me I was. I did learn that I didn't need a man and certainly NOT THAT MAN!

I spent several years living by myself and taking care of myself without the help of anyone but especially NOT A MAN. Then it happened. One day this wonderful man came into my world and I found the love I knew was out there. I found the man that treated me the way I KNEW I deserved to be treated. He respected me and he treated me with love and compassion. He didn't raise his voice let alone a fist. I learned to believe I deserved love and respect and then it found me.

All of that being said, I am still very insecure. I still don't see my beauty and I still hide from cameras. So this man can love me, but I don't really understand why. I just knew that it was too good to let go of. I am a good person. I do good things. I care and I tend to those I love. THIS is why he loves me. When he tells me I am beautiful I choose to believe that it is my actions he is complimenting not my appearance. I have never learned to accept the beauty of who I am and have spent my whole life (which is creeping quickly toward 50 yrs) being told and believing that I was ugly and fat.

Back to my friend and her challenge. She took a picture of herself every day and posted it online to help with her self esteem. She told me after a month it made a huge impact. I decided to try it. I have done this now for 7 days and I get all the compliments she said I would but I am still having a difficult time believing them. I do this every day because I told her I would. I want to grow. I want to love myself completely. I want to feel free to be me and not worry about what others are going to think. I haven't gotten there but I am on a road that will take me there.

I have to share that the thing that hit me the hardest and really opened my eyes was the email I got from a male friend of mine. We are simply friends and nothing more but to have a male who is not my husband say to me the things that he said truly brought tears to my eyes. He saw me for who I am. He saw my beauty and my strength. He saw my struggle without even knowing my past or my history. Reading the message he left me literally brought tears to my eyes. For a moment I could see what he was seeing and it was beautiful. What I saw was that beauty is not in your face or your hair, it is in your soul. If you TRULY love yourself and believe in yourself your inner beauty radiates so brightly that even if you had no outer beauty, you would. I understood this when he told me but I have to admit I am still having difficulty applying it to myself.

The words he told me are very simple and yet they were so profound that this is now what I tell myself every day as encouragement to accept the challenge of posting my picture. He told me
 "So, do you think that metamorphosis is easy for the butterfly? Yes, that's right; I said butterfly, not caterpillar. Because that is not what the creature is, a caterpillar. It is a butterfly. It is just evolving into what it was always meant to be. It might be easy to stay a caterpillar, but it would not achieve it's destiny, it's purpose. You are greater than you think you are, more powerful than you know. I'm not trying to shuffle buffalo here or blow smoke
 Become the butterfly. Become. BE.
Just BE. Be yourself, be real and LOVE yourself.
Perfect? Well . . . yes. You are perfect being you"

Become the butterfly. Become. BE.

This is what I tell myself every day and honestly, this is the most helpful thing I have heard. 

I can say thank you a thousand times to this dear friend, but I don't think I can ever tell him how much he and his wisdom truly mean to me. So for now, I will continue with my selfies and as my metamorphosis begins, I will continue to thank those who steered me to this path and those that have helped to guide me down it! 

The Return of the House Guests

My house guests are back. After tucking in the witchlet and while talking with a Sister about her current situation I was startled by the presence of the boy and an adult. Not sure why they are back. I havent seen them in a month or so. Brooklynn has seen them and spoken of them in the last few days, but tonight was the first time I have seen them since we changed her room. I dont have the ability to fully understand what it is they need or are trying to convey. But for me to actually see them again means there IS something they need, or need to convey. I can not help but think that it is related to the issue I was talking to my sweet Sister about although I have no way of knowing this surely. I will meditate and dream of this I am sure. Hopefully I can come to a sure and comfortable answer so I can help them OR they can help me. I do not feel any negativity from them, it was just a bit startling to look up and see them when I have not seen nor felt their presence in so long. I try not to ask the witchlet too much about them unless she brings them up. Mostly all I get from her is that she will point to where she sees them and tell me they are there. I dont think she knows what they want either. She does not seem to be bothered by them much, except that they do linger more in the shadow or dim light than in the day light. Sometimes I wish I had someone that could just give me answers. I know there are others with talents other than my own. Why is it that I would have the gift of seeing them if I can not communicate with them? Why is it that I can sense some things but others I am at a total loss?

I truly believe that these are gifts we are given and that there is a reason for them. I just do not understand why we are not given any instruction on how to use them or how to develop other parts that would definitely enhance the parts we have. Is it part of my journey to discover someone who can fill in the blanks I can not? Or is it that I am supposed to develop the parts I do not have? Some days I just do not know. What I do know is that I have a lot going on with the gifts I do have. I can not possibly begin to imagine having MORE to deal with than what I have. Again, I am sure I will be meditating.

I apologize for the rambling. Maybe I should start a group for folks that need to talk and interact with people having gifts other than there own. Wouldnt that be nice to have a place where you could go and hook up with people that have the gifts you need to get things done and not have to struggle or feel like you are flailing about because you only have half of what you need to get a job done? What am I talking about?! I am sure that there are dozens of places like that already.... But why haven't I found them?? Thanks again for reading.

Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.

 Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.

 Sometimes we need to ramble to heal.

 Most days I dont really think about my Mom any more. She passed almost 27 years ago. Sure she crosses my mind from time to time, but not like it was in the beginning. Let me back up. Without the back story, the rest of this probably will make as much sense to you as my randomly blurting out the color of my underwear without explaining what I was referring to. Which, by the way, Im not going to do so dont worry there!

My mother crossed through the veil on October 2, 1988. She was 44 years old. Never in my life have I ever felt the absolute anguish that I felt that night. I honestly felt that my beating heart was torn right from my chest. I was 21. Over the next few months and probably even the first year to even two, I missed my mother every day. Not a moment passed that I didn't miss her in one fashion or another. From needing to call for a quick question or needing a recipe I knew she had. I can not begin to tell you how  many times I picked up the phone to dial the number only to realize once it began to ring that she would never again pick up the other end. I also can not begin to describe to you how exactly that feels. Knowing that the person you are trying to reach will NEVER answer your calls again.

Some time went by and slowly I got used to the idea that Mom would not be there so I stopped trying to call. I still missed her when my children would do something sweet or special or so down right rotten that I would think and often say aloud, "If only my Mom could see this!" It seemed she was missing all the good stuff and I was missing her. Eventually that shifted too.

Time passed as it always does. As I dealt with the struggles of my own life and the choices I had made several things began to occur to me. The first thing being how everyone tends to turn those who have crossed over into some kind of saint. It is almost as if now that they aren't here, none of their short comings ever happened or existed. Like they had never made a single mistake in their life. Why is this? Why do we turn the dead into the revered? After time even that faded. I was so absorbed in my own life and my own woes that I had no time to miss my mother day in and day out. She still crossed my mind and I still loved her and missed her, but that thought was no longer the first thought I had every day nor was it the last thought I had every night.

Fast forward now to years later... I don't even know how many... but a lot.

I started to think of all the things that my mother should have done as a mom, and didn't. I started to think of all the times that my mother not only let me or my siblings down, but how she never picked herself back up. I started to remember all the things about my mother that were not so pretty. Did this mean I didn't love her? No. Of course not. It meant that she was not perfect and I was seeing that. I don't believe my mother was a bad person. I believe my mother was a weak person. Sometimes it still hurts to think that she was not there when I needed her. It hurts to know that even when she was there, she wouldn't help me. When I think about all the times as a child I really NEEDED my Mom, I can not think of ONE of those times that she was ever emotionally available. Do I think that my mom really 'didn't want' to be there? No. I just don't think she was capable. I honestly don't think my mother knew how to be a mother. She didn't know how to stand up for herself and by extension, had no idea how to protect or defend her children. As a result, we were subjected to a lot of things that children should never be subjected to.

Fast forward again... I dont know how far, just hold the button down a while and let it up when you catch up to where I am.

I had my own children and was making a lot of choices that at the time I made them, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for my children. Looking back now, I see that as much as I loved those children and as fiercely as I fought to protect them, I too was making bad choices. I didn't know how to be a mother either. Okay, realistically, none of us do... there is no handbook on parenting, but I honestly had no role model to follow. My mother checked out mentally before I was even old enough to register what that meant. I lived in a war zone on a daily basis and struggled my best to help my younger siblings along. Now that I had my own children, it seemed like I kept choosing relationships that were war zones. After all, that was all I knew. Even though I KNEW there had to be something better. I mean, I KNEW that I DESERVED better. MY CHILDREN deserved better, I had a difficult time finding that better. I had no mom to go to for advice. I had no mom to call and cry on her shoulder. I had no mom.

I did the very best I could raising my children. I know now looking back that I made mistakes. I see the choices they make as adults and can see where some of them are directly related to choices I made when they were young and at times like this, I ache. Had I been wiser. Had I been stronger. Had I only made better choices, they would be better equipped. In some areas I definitely failed my children. I can honestly say that some of that is my own mother's fault. Had I had a role model, or a mother figure, I may have done things a little better. Had someone ever taught me financial responsibility, I would have understood it better and been able to pass that down to my children. Had I been taught to plan for the future, possibly my children wouldnt be struggling so much now? Of course then there is the part where they make their own choices and no matter what I did try to teach them, only so much can fall back on their lineage. The rest is personal choice. I get that.

If we fast forward just a few more years at this point, I am not thinking much of my mom at all these days. I am just trying to get through the day and the main thought on my mind is just literally making it through the day. I think of how I got myself into the mess I am in and how if I ever get out of it I will definitely have to change some things. I think about how all this time I have been searching for answers and desperately seeking someone to love me as much as I had love to give, only to end up dying, at home and alone. How ironic is that? I spent 35 yrs or more looking desperately for that "better" that I knew had to be out there somewhere and now I am not sure that I will even make it through the night. No one could have let their own children down more than I did right?  Wrong.

I did make it through that. Obviously, I am here now. And I stayed true to my word as well.. once I got through that, things needed to change. I did a whole lot of self evaluation. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues and learned how to love myself and move on. I did learn how to love myself. I did move on. I learned a lot of things about myself and the rest of the world. I learned a lot about life and about my own personal truth. Most of all, I learned about LOVE. Real, honest, make your soul ache love. That was something I had never experienced before. Partially because I didn't feel that I had it from my parents and partially because I was tarnished from not having it with my parents so even though I had it with my children, it was different. I quit looking for that man to love me and learned to love myself. When I did finally love myself, that man walked into my life.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and trembled because of what was reflected back to you? If you have not then you have no idea what REAL, HONEST, TRUE TO YOUR SOUL love really is. I had never in my life been so afraid as I was to look into my husband's eyes and literally SEE the depth of his love for me. I still see it all these years later. That is when I began to heal. I still don't think much about my mom at this point.

A few years go by and my life is going pretty darn well. I have learned all about financial responsibility and not only are the bills being paid and on time, but credit is building and we are able to have nice things. New cars. A nice home. Grandchildren......that is a whole other lesson in love and a whole other story. What is important is that we have a chance now with the MP to do all those things that were so wrong, over. We have the chance to do them right and I am determined to do so. I am thinking about my mom a little more now.

MP is 3yrs old now. I have learned so much from the mistakes that I made with my older children. I have learned so much from the mistakes my mom made raising us. I think about her a bit more these days.

Here is the thing; Did I tell you that MP was born on my mother's birthday? No? well she was. For those of you who like numbers take a stab at this... My mother was born on 2/9/44. MP was born on 2/9/11. My mother would have been turning 67 the day MP was born. I was born in 67. Which made me 44 when the MP was born. There is too much here for me to think any of this was coincidence. I just haven't puzzled out exactly what it all means yet.

I find myself thinking of my mom more and more these days. Was she the fireball as a child that the MP is? That certainly is NOT the mom that I remember. The woman that was emotionally beaten down and disconnected. How could she EVER have been the spitfire the MP is? The sad thing is, there is no one to ask. The only relative left that I speak with is my mother's youngest sister. But she is more like a sister to me. She was closer in age to me than to my mother. She was not around when my mother was a child to have those answers and though she tries to help me with a lot, there are some questions she just can not answer for me.

Now, when I want to know what I was like or where the pictures of me are, there are only limited things that my aunt can help me with. In reality, I really miss my mom a lot. Now that I am finally letting that wound heal. And believe me, it is still raw, open and gaping, but it is finally beginning to heal. I miss my mom again. I don't know what all was in her world that she had to contend with. She had her own demons. It would have been nice if she had ever shared truths with me. Like medical history. I had no idea that so many of my illnesses or inflictions were hereditary. I mean I knew they were. I just didnt have any clue where I got them. After talking with my aunt, I am finding that a lot of them were from my mom. Why didnt my mom tell me? Why didnt she tell me that if you needed a thyroid pill you had to take it for the rest of your life? Why did I have to learn that the hard way in my early 20s? IN MY 20s?? I had never had a prescription other than antibiotics until then. How was I supposed to know I had to refill the damn thing? Why didnt she tell me that? Why didnt she tell me how having children was the most difficult thing I would ever do? Or that every choice I made would impact them greater than it did me? Did she even KNOW that? I dont think she did. I honestly think she died too early to see that. I would have liked to have learned financial responsibility so that I didnt struggle so hard and so long. But I guess she didn't know anything other than the struggle so how would she have taught me otherwise? There are so many things I would have liked to have learned. So many things that I was too busy thinking I knew it all the first time through, that I missed. So many things I would just like to ask my mom.

MP is 3 years old now. The saddest thing in the world to me is that my children never had a grandma because she crossed over when my oldest was only 2. MP will never have a grandma because I am her mom. That to me is very sad. Every child needs grandparents. Don't get me wrong, she has plenty of people that love her. But it isnt the same as having a heritage or a family history. Times like these, I miss my mom.

The Trying Times

Okay, I don't care who you are or what you believe ..... there comes a time in every person's life where you need to admit that knowing your herbs and their uses is a very good thing! Some people buy things just for the way they smell or taste, but knowing the functions of these things is definitely a plus some days. Take today for instance....

Living in Arizona has so many pluses and a few draw backs. The one drawback is that it is very dry so everything in it is very dry including your skin. Easy fix to that, you have lotion in every room of the house. You apply it to your body after showering, to your hands after washing them, or doing dishes, and several other times throughout the day as you feel you need to use it. Really, very easy fix.

Now, some people buy lotions purely for the smell or the lack of oily feel or the easy absorption... various reasons. I buy most lotions for the way they are absorbed, but I have been on this kick lately for buying lavender lotion. I love the way lavender smells and I love the soothing affect that it has. With a trying 3 yr old this is a wonderful quality to have subtly around the house at various times of the day every day. Trust me. You will understand by the time I am through here.

My daughter whom I lovingly refer to as the Monster Princess, or MP for short has recently turned 3yrs old. There is a reason that the 3rd year has been referred to by many psychologists and pediatricians not to mention parents alike as the 'Trying Threes'. This is a year where your child will 'try' everything! And a multitude of times. Including your patience! Today was really the first adventure in 'trying' more than just pushing boundaries for my husband and I with this child. Mind you, we have 6 other children but the one closest in age is already 18 and enrolled to begin college in the fall, so this is as good as never having been here before since it has been so long ago. There is definitely truth to the saying that your mind forgets that which was traumatic or truly horrible. This all being said, let me tell you what our last hour was like here in my home.

We had just finished eating our lunch outside on the patio. The weather was a beautiful 80 degrees with a nice breeze blowing. Really very comfortable and relaxing. I came into the house to use the bathroom.  In the 5 minutes of peace that I had to myself, I should have known that I would come out to a nightmare! I mean really, when do I EVER get to pee alone? I have a 3yr old after all.

My husband was out on the patio with our daughter, or so I thought. Silence was heavenly. I was SO WRONG! I should have listened to the warning bells going off in my head and hurried myself through my visit to the bathroom like any other time. As I am washing my hands and looking for the lotion it occurs to me at the same moment I hear my husband's voice asking my daughter, "What have you gotten into?" That the lotion was moved out of that bathroom because she kept getting into it. So I dried my hands and went out into the living room where I saw the dog and the cat both lying right against the wall as if they were waiting for me, so they could tell on someone. I smell lavender. I hear my husband still talking to our daughter, "Brooklynn," he says, "You really do know better than this." Of course the MP says nothing. As I come past the animals, I notice they are not just waiting for me to get out of the bathroom, they are 'hiding' from the 3yr old. I continue through the living room into the den and see my husband wiping of the MP's hands and she has a huge glop of lotion on her chin. Thinking to myself, "This explains why I smell lavender." The lightbulb comes on above my head at this moment.

The dog is COVERED in lotion. From the top of her head, down her back and all over her one side. She was definitely 'rubbed down' with lotion. The cat had lotion on her hind quarters, but I think only because she wouldn't stand still long enough for the MP to coat her as well. There is lotion on the carpet in the living room and there is lotion all over all the handles and doors to the china cabinet. My husband is diligently cleaning up the MP and keeps muttering things like, "I just can't believe you did this." "You know you aren't supposed to climb on things." "You could have fallen and really gotten hurt." While I am impressed with the patience he is showing it reminds me that it IS only lotion so how bad can it be right? I mean after all, I have the worst of it right here. He caught her in the act and cleaned her up first. Right?? I would have. RIGHT??

As I proceeded into the kitchen to get wipes to clean up the china cabinet (the animals were going to need baths, no doubt about that) and the carpet, I passed through the den where my husband is doing what I can only describe as turtle waxing the television screen. He had already cleaned up the top of the entertainment center (which is where the lotion from the bathroom had been put) and was now cleaning up the television screen that our daughter had finger painted with half a bottle of purple lotion. The house smells fantastic by the way!

I proceed into the kitchen and see that the large 'economy' sized bottle that I just bought 2  days ago is more than a quarter gone. My microwave is covered in purple slime and the counter top looks as though someone frosted it like a cake. Thickly spread and smeared everywhere. The cabinets in front of the sink were slathered and my husband is saying that the couches and the tables in the den were coated as well. At this point, MP is beginning to realize that as my husband and I are quietly and calmly cleaning like mechanical versions of her parents, she should be worried.

"Sorry, Daddy." "I didn't mean to do it."  comes out of her little mouth.
"Oh, Im sure the only thing you didn't mean was to get caught," her Daddy calmly replied.

At this point Daddy and Mommy are standing side by side at the kitchen sink respectively cleaning off lotion bottles. Daddy the one from the living room and Mommy, the one from the kitchen.
MP hugs my leg and says, "Sorry, Mom". I looked down and said, "Brooklynn, you know you aren't supposed to climb on things and you KNOW you are not supposed to play in the lotion".

This is where my husband looks at me with a grin and says, "Well at least the TV is going to smell good for a long time". I laughed and said, "Yeah, so is the dog!"

Poor dog. She is still covered in greasy purple goop. She is just laying at my feet with that look on her face that says, "PLEASE MOM!! Just don't let her touch me any more!"

After my husband and I had calmly and rather efficiently cleaned up all the messes that we found, we tucked the Monster (not a Princess at that moment) in for her nap and plopped ourselves on the loveseat. Side by side both of us quietly laughing at this ordeal and commenting on how the good thing is...

"The good thing is," he said, "at least it smells good".
"The good thing is," I replied, "I know what lavender is for and have that all through the house instead of something like eucalyptus!" We both laughed at that and agreed that something that would invigorate her was NOT the best scent to have in the home of a 3yr old.

My husband looked over at the dog, who is still cowering beside me no matter where I go and said "Poor Anthrax. She just laid there and took it".  I agreed. "Poor Anthrax. She was trying to eat her lunch and the MP cornered her and slathered her down. The poor dog never even finished her food".

Now that everything is cleaned up and my husband and I made it through that ordeal calmly and comically, we are complimenting each other on how well we kept our cool and how funny this all really was. After all, it was only lotion. No one and no animals were hurt in the execution of this stunt. And last but not least, we proved to each other again, that even after 10 years, 7 children, and various grandchildren, we really do work together well when we need to. Once again we were reminded that we do come together in times of adversity and that we definitely compliment each other in trying times.

The trying times..... Sounds like a good title for a book. (Well, at least for this blog post!)