It has been quite a while since I have posted anything here. Life takes many turns and mine was turned completely upside down.
My husband of 10 years who was my world decided he was gay. My marriage fell apart. We have managed over the past months to salvage some sort of friendship, but I still have some serious trust issues. We are at least working together now for the sake of our daughter.
I got a job that I love and moved into my own apartment with my daughter. We are doing alright.
Then there are the health issues. It seems since I have moved I have been sick a lot. The issues are bigger than just a cold or the flu. I have been pretty stressed lately and I am trying not to vent it all over facebook or to a lot of people. I know right? You are putting it in your blog, but you arent venting to a lot of people? Honestly, I have ONE... just ONE follower on this blog and it is an obligatory following at that. My bff is my only follower. Chances are no one else will even see this unless the link is shared on Facebook, and I dont plan to be sharing the link so I will take my chances.
I need to get this out and this is the only way I can do this right now. I have friends with issues of their own and they don't need to be drug down by me or my stress.
I have had Hep C since 2003. My liver is now in pretty bad shape. Stage 3 fibrosis. I am awaiting a response from the insurance so I can begin treatment. This is one stress. The waiting. My liver viral load is extremely high which means I am exhausted all the time and I have a constant ache just under my ribs like I have run too far, too fast. It could be a month before I know anything and that in itself is anxiety causing.
I am working 50+ hours a week and my daughter is in 2 dance classes and soccer. This means as a single mom, I spend more time away from home than at home. Remember the fatigue and exhaustion? Multiply by 10. Add in an extremely difficult and defiant 4 yr old and the long days at work and that will multiply the fatigue and exhaustion again this time by another 10.
For the last 3 weeks or so, the entire left side of my face has been numb. Like coming home from the dentist numb. It has not affected any of the muscles. No sagging or drooping so they have ruled out Bells Palsy. I was sent for an MRI and they found a mass behind my left eye. Here is the real stress here... The mass is an entirely separate issue and not part of the numbness.
I saw a specialist and a surgeon about the mass behind my eye. He wants me to get a CT scan so he can better see what it is and what he needs to do about it. I spoke with his office again today to see if they have heard from the insurance company so I can schedule that CT. I have to go back to the surgeon around the middle of May.
I saw a neurologist about the numbness and he did his examination. I have lost at least 70% of my sensation on my left side. It is not just my face that is effected but my entire left side. The original MRI ruled out stroke and showed no sign of aneurysm so he has me going to have a more indepth MRI, MRA and MRV (whatever those are) Basically 3 more scans of my brain and this time with contrast so he can see the blood vessels and not just the tissue. I have those scans tomorrow morning and I go back to see the neurologist the end of May.
Now add into the mix that I have fibromyalgia and hashimotos thyroid disease and it sounds like I am one huge chronic complainer. Truth is, I don't complain. I dont whine about it to the masses at all. That is why I am posting it here and also why I am so stressed out.
My 11th grandchild is being birthed as I type this and I am concerned for them. All of these things are taking up energy that I really dont have. I am drained. I put on a good face for all and dont say much but I just dont have the energy to keep doing this alone and yet I have no choice but to do exactly that.
Remember that exhaustion and fatigue? I have no idea if you honestly get an idea of how wiped out I am but I am so mentally and physically fatigued that I can not force myself to do the things I know I need to do. The dishes sit in the sink for 2 or 3 days because I don't have the energy to wash them. They vacuuming gets done once a week IF I am lucky. Sometimes its a week and a half. I dust when I have no choice and never can I do more than one chore a day without overtaxing myself and paying for it later.
I have to get up and work. I have to come home and cook and take care of a 4yr old. I have to run her to her classes. I have to do the grocery shopping and household chores. I have to pay the bills. ALL of these things are things that I have to do. There is no one that can do them for me.
All of these things said and spelled out add to the fact that I am empathic and I can not help but to feel what others feel. I have a friend who has a lot of grief, rage and pain due to her family situation. I have another friend who has a lot of stress, anxiety and uncertainty in her life. I have another friend that although she says nothing, I am aware of her health issues and the anxiety in her life due to her family. She tries to be the strong one and is always silent. Rather than complaining or asking for healing, she stays quiet or offers a hug and a smile where she can. I FEEL what she feels. She doesn't have to tell me anything. I have another friend who suffers chronic pain and then there is still one more friend that takes on all the worries and fears of everyone else so that he can not keep his own emotions in check. I feel all of this. I feel it emotionally and I feel it physically. On top of all my own issues, I can not help but feel theirs also. Even when they try to shield me from it, or it from me.
I see posts from others about how they have it so bad and how unfair their lives are and I just want to smack them. I see other people post how miserable they are an how horrible their situations are and I think to myself that they are so ungrateful and have no clue. I don't think my life is horrible and I don't think I have it bad. I have some issues that need to be dealt with but I know in my soul that everything will work out in time. It will be the way it is meant to be. I know this is just part of the path on my life's journey but I am human and sometimes I stress. Contrary to public belief, I am not always the strong one. I have my breakdowns too.
Now that I have taken the time to blog this I imagine I will have to update with test results as they come in. Just in case someone does read this. For now............
Loss of sensation on my left side and facial numbness..... Brain scans tomorrow
Mass behind my left eye... waiting on CT scan
Hep C and stage 3 fibrosis..... waiting on insurance approval for meds
Fibromyalgia.... dealing with it as I can
Hashimoto's Thyroid.... on meds, dealing with side effects
4 yr old.... extremely defiant and determined
Working.... I am taking off the days I can and trying not to work any more than the required hours.
Outside stressors can not be so easily controlled but I am trying not to focus on things I can not control.
I will post more when I know more.
