It has been quite a while since I have posted anything here. Life takes many turns and mine was turned completely upside down.
My husband of 10 years who was my world decided he was gay. My marriage fell apart. We have managed over the past months to salvage some sort of friendship, but I still have some serious trust issues. We are at least working together now for the sake of our daughter.
I got a job that I love and moved into my own apartment with my daughter. We are doing alright.
Then there are the health issues. It seems since I have moved I have been sick a lot. The issues are bigger than just a cold or the flu. I have been pretty stressed lately and I am trying not to vent it all over facebook or to a lot of people. I know right? You are putting it in your blog, but you arent venting to a lot of people? Honestly, I have ONE... just ONE follower on this blog and it is an obligatory following at that. My bff is my only follower. Chances are no one else will even see this unless the link is shared on Facebook, and I dont plan to be sharing the link so I will take my chances.
I need to get this out and this is the only way I can do this right now. I have friends with issues of their own and they don't need to be drug down by me or my stress.
I have had Hep C since 2003. My liver is now in pretty bad shape. Stage 3 fibrosis. I am awaiting a response from the insurance so I can begin treatment. This is one stress. The waiting. My liver viral load is extremely high which means I am exhausted all the time and I have a constant ache just under my ribs like I have run too far, too fast. It could be a month before I know anything and that in itself is anxiety causing.
I am working 50+ hours a week and my daughter is in 2 dance classes and soccer. This means as a single mom, I spend more time away from home than at home. Remember the fatigue and exhaustion? Multiply by 10. Add in an extremely difficult and defiant 4 yr old and the long days at work and that will multiply the fatigue and exhaustion again this time by another 10.
For the last 3 weeks or so, the entire left side of my face has been numb. Like coming home from the dentist numb. It has not affected any of the muscles. No sagging or drooping so they have ruled out Bells Palsy. I was sent for an MRI and they found a mass behind my left eye. Here is the real stress here... The mass is an entirely separate issue and not part of the numbness.
I saw a specialist and a surgeon about the mass behind my eye. He wants me to get a CT scan so he can better see what it is and what he needs to do about it. I spoke with his office again today to see if they have heard from the insurance company so I can schedule that CT. I have to go back to the surgeon around the middle of May.
I saw a neurologist about the numbness and he did his examination. I have lost at least 70% of my sensation on my left side. It is not just my face that is effected but my entire left side. The original MRI ruled out stroke and showed no sign of aneurysm so he has me going to have a more indepth MRI, MRA and MRV (whatever those are) Basically 3 more scans of my brain and this time with contrast so he can see the blood vessels and not just the tissue. I have those scans tomorrow morning and I go back to see the neurologist the end of May.
Now add into the mix that I have fibromyalgia and hashimotos thyroid disease and it sounds like I am one huge chronic complainer. Truth is, I don't complain. I dont whine about it to the masses at all. That is why I am posting it here and also why I am so stressed out.
My 11th grandchild is being birthed as I type this and I am concerned for them. All of these things are taking up energy that I really dont have. I am drained. I put on a good face for all and dont say much but I just dont have the energy to keep doing this alone and yet I have no choice but to do exactly that.
Remember that exhaustion and fatigue? I have no idea if you honestly get an idea of how wiped out I am but I am so mentally and physically fatigued that I can not force myself to do the things I know I need to do. The dishes sit in the sink for 2 or 3 days because I don't have the energy to wash them. They vacuuming gets done once a week IF I am lucky. Sometimes its a week and a half. I dust when I have no choice and never can I do more than one chore a day without overtaxing myself and paying for it later.
I have to get up and work. I have to come home and cook and take care of a 4yr old. I have to run her to her classes. I have to do the grocery shopping and household chores. I have to pay the bills. ALL of these things are things that I have to do. There is no one that can do them for me.
All of these things said and spelled out add to the fact that I am empathic and I can not help but to feel what others feel. I have a friend who has a lot of grief, rage and pain due to her family situation. I have another friend who has a lot of stress, anxiety and uncertainty in her life. I have another friend that although she says nothing, I am aware of her health issues and the anxiety in her life due to her family. She tries to be the strong one and is always silent. Rather than complaining or asking for healing, she stays quiet or offers a hug and a smile where she can. I FEEL what she feels. She doesn't have to tell me anything. I have another friend who suffers chronic pain and then there is still one more friend that takes on all the worries and fears of everyone else so that he can not keep his own emotions in check. I feel all of this. I feel it emotionally and I feel it physically. On top of all my own issues, I can not help but feel theirs also. Even when they try to shield me from it, or it from me.
I see posts from others about how they have it so bad and how unfair their lives are and I just want to smack them. I see other people post how miserable they are an how horrible their situations are and I think to myself that they are so ungrateful and have no clue. I don't think my life is horrible and I don't think I have it bad. I have some issues that need to be dealt with but I know in my soul that everything will work out in time. It will be the way it is meant to be. I know this is just part of the path on my life's journey but I am human and sometimes I stress. Contrary to public belief, I am not always the strong one. I have my breakdowns too.
Now that I have taken the time to blog this I imagine I will have to update with test results as they come in. Just in case someone does read this. For now............
Loss of sensation on my left side and facial numbness..... Brain scans tomorrow
Mass behind my left eye... waiting on CT scan
Hep C and stage 3 fibrosis..... waiting on insurance approval for meds
Fibromyalgia.... dealing with it as I can
Hashimoto's Thyroid.... on meds, dealing with side effects
4 yr old.... extremely defiant and determined
Working.... I am taking off the days I can and trying not to work any more than the required hours.
Outside stressors can not be so easily controlled but I am trying not to focus on things I can not control.
I will post more when I know more.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
How much is too much?
How much do you have to give before you can say you need to preserve yourself?
How much do you have to care before you can stop and care for yourself?
How much of yourself must be sacrificed before you can say you gave it all you had?
How much really is enough?
Sometimes its important to feel what you need to feel. Sometimes you need to take back rather than give. Sometimes you just have to stand up fir yourself and not worry about whose feelings are hurt.
Sometimes you have to ask yourself, how much is too much
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Every Day is a Brand New Choice
Every day is a choice. When you wake up in the morning you have to choose to be in a good mood. You have to choose to smile at those you see. Some days this choice is harder to make than other days but the choice is still there. Depending on what you choose and how you choose it, your day can be either very successful or, not so much.
Recently there have been a lot of things happening in my world. Some of you have read the blog and are aware, some of you maybe not. The point is, every day when I get up, I have to choose to be happy for myself and for my daughter. Some days that is a much more difficult choice to make, but I have to make it because I have to move forward.
With every door that closes a new door will open. My heart has been broken and I can not imagine ever being truly happy again at this very moment, but I do know in time, that I will heal from this pain and happiness is what I make of it, NOT what happens or doesn't happen in my life.
In dealing with the current situation in my life, I attended a support group on Friday night. I have never been in this situation and honestly don't know too many people that can relate. I know many, many people but not many that have been in this situation, from the same perspective. Anyway, as I said, with every door that closes, another opens. While at the support group I met a handful of very nice, supportive and interesting people. I did not meet anyone in my situation. Who I did meet was entirely much better than that!
The minute I walked into the room for the meeting my eyes beheld a very tall woman. I came in behind her so didn't see her face immediately but something told me the moment I saw her, that this was going to be the person that made a difference in my life. As the meeting began to come to order and she took her seat, I noticed the kindness and the true compassion in her face. After the announcements that all gatherings as this have which are important to their cause, the large group broke into two smaller groups. I was in the same group with this woman that had caught my eye.
After we were seated in our smaller group and we began our discussion, I realized that this woman is the president of this organization and her wife was the facilitator of the group. Leave it to me to have to make connections with the big wigs right? Hey, I didn't choose this. This is the path the Lady is leading me down. Not only is this woman the leader of this organization, she is studying psychology and she is a pagan. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I have just scored a hat-trick. After the meeting was over we stood and talked until they kicked us out and we had to leave. Upon getting to the parking lot we stood and talked for another hour. We exchanged phone numbers on the premise that if I needed anything to help with my situation to feel free to call. They had been through similar although not exactly the same situations and could relate and help us through this.
The next morning I received a good morning text from the president of the group! I was touched that she was so considerate! We texted off and on through out the day and I learned many things. The most important thing I learned is that the Lady has never let me down. The next lesson I learned is that you are always placed in contact with those you need, and with those that need you. I definitely need this person in my life because she and I can connect on so many levels. She knows both sides of what I am going through. She can related to the confusion and the pain. She understands the hurt and the anger. Most importantly she also understands my unique situation of being the only pagan in a sea of Southern Christianity. During our conversation off and on through the day I realized not only do I need her help; she also needs mine.
She has been a solitary witch for a time and is looking to learn the old ways. She has been searching for connections and information and the Lady led me directly to her. I have been blessed with many friends and contacts in the Pagan Community. I feel quite certain that I can help her with some of her studies. I also feel very confident that when she needs more that I can give or information I don't have, I can put her in contact with the people that can take her in the direction she is seeking. I feel very blessed and extremely honored that the Lady chose me for this. I can not explain to you the feeling I have when I look at this person. I KNOW without a doubt we were meant to meet and that we need each other right now. I have found a new, not only friend, but sister in the path through this ordeal and I know that this journey has just begun.
Today I choose to be happy. As I wipe away the tears of pain from the heartache I feel, I choose to be happy. I know there is a future. My problem was that I had become complacent in believing I knew what that future held for me. I have been reminded that we have no idea what the future hold. That doesn't mean there is no future! I know I will still have plenty of times where choosing to be happy is more difficult than others, but I will always make that choice. I choose to be happy and I choose to follow the Lady down the glorious path she leads me.
The sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Blog Hop! Today is Tag and Follow Friday!
Good Friday afternoon. I realize Ive been quiet lately. After a week of such drama it all fell silent. I apologize. I am here today because I need to be, but among other reasons, I was invited to play along in a blog hop that is sponsored by The Domestic Witch. What is a blog hop you ask? It is a rather fun and interesting way to put you all in touch with other folks and new information. Kind of like a poker run but with blogs instead of bars and information and friends rather than a poker card. The end result is not to raise money for any event, but to raise awareness. Yours and ours. Awareness of information you may not have known, and to bring the wonderful blogs we are all acquainted with to the table. Especially since you may follow some I dont know about, and I may follow some you don't know about. Are you ready, let's go along for the ride and meet some new and interesting people.
Now, like any good campaign, there are a few rules. But we all know that rules are not always bad. They give us structure so we can all know the objective and strategies to coming out in the same spot! Today I am tagging As the Phoenix Rises. If you are interested in playing please hop over to the The Domestic Witch and have a look at the rules.
The question for this week is: Why did you begin blogging?
My Answer:
I really put off blogging for a long time. I didn't think that I could write every day and keep people interested. My friends all loved the posts I would put on facebook about the antics of my children and grandchildren and kept telling me I should write a blog. Eventually I realized that my entire facebook wall was becoming filled with posts about the daily goings on in my home. Some related to family matters, some related to spiritual matters. But the posts were growing longer and longer. Finally at the urging of some good friends, I gave in and began to blog.
My blogs vary. Much like my facebook posts varied. Sometimes my posts are very pagan related and very much about my journey, but mostly they are about my life. My life as a Mom. My life as a Nana. And also my life as a Witch. Recently they have been about Gay Rights awareness and how the Gay Lifestyle has affected my world. I am sure they will be about the pain and the agony of loss and the strength and will of healing as well. When I write I tend to write what I feel so most of my blogs are passionate and personal. There are of course the blogs that are humorous, but also personal, such as the blogs that are usually about my daughter and her antics. If you are curious, go back to the one about her deciding to paint my house purple! You will understand.
Thank you for taking the time to visit today and please play along and follow some the links in my post and the others to see what a wonderful journey you may go on and what fantastic things you may learn! Have a wonderful day and thanks for stopping in today!
Love, Light and Blessings!
Now, like any good campaign, there are a few rules. But we all know that rules are not always bad. They give us structure so we can all know the objective and strategies to coming out in the same spot! Today I am tagging As the Phoenix Rises. If you are interested in playing please hop over to the The Domestic Witch and have a look at the rules.
The question for this week is: Why did you begin blogging?
My Answer:
I really put off blogging for a long time. I didn't think that I could write every day and keep people interested. My friends all loved the posts I would put on facebook about the antics of my children and grandchildren and kept telling me I should write a blog. Eventually I realized that my entire facebook wall was becoming filled with posts about the daily goings on in my home. Some related to family matters, some related to spiritual matters. But the posts were growing longer and longer. Finally at the urging of some good friends, I gave in and began to blog.
My blogs vary. Much like my facebook posts varied. Sometimes my posts are very pagan related and very much about my journey, but mostly they are about my life. My life as a Mom. My life as a Nana. And also my life as a Witch. Recently they have been about Gay Rights awareness and how the Gay Lifestyle has affected my world. I am sure they will be about the pain and the agony of loss and the strength and will of healing as well. When I write I tend to write what I feel so most of my blogs are passionate and personal. There are of course the blogs that are humorous, but also personal, such as the blogs that are usually about my daughter and her antics. If you are curious, go back to the one about her deciding to paint my house purple! You will understand.
Thank you for taking the time to visit today and please play along and follow some the links in my post and the others to see what a wonderful journey you may go on and what fantastic things you may learn! Have a wonderful day and thanks for stopping in today!
Love, Light and Blessings!
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
The Sting and the Burn
Sometimes the truth is a very painful thing to accept. It can totally cripple you mentally and emotionally. Sometimes two truths at one time are more than we can handle for the time being. The one thing that we have going for us is the ability to process the information and to eventually come to a point where we can begin to process and accept these truths no matter how much we dislike them or disagree with them.
I would like to take the time and the space here to apologize to my in laws. Not for WHAT was said, but for the timing.
Sometimes we act out of impulse and emotion. I am human and am guilty of that as well as others. I try to be careful no matter how emotional I am and not say things that I can not take back. I forget that this is a lesson I have been learning for many years and not all people are as cautious or even on that path at all.
The thing is, the family was all upset because I expressed my feeling publicly here in my blog rather than say it in private. My reason for this is two fold. The first and front most reason for it being said in my blog is that lies and secrets, shame and embarrassment is what caused this situation in the first place. There is nothing to be embarrassed about our ashamed of. If those are the feelings you have they are yours alone to deal with. The second reason that this was said in a blog is to bring awareness to others. If this is a situation that can happen in our family then I am sure that it is happening in many families all over the world. What I was trying to do is bring awareness to the pain that your words and actions cause. I want people to THINK before the have that knee jerk reaction that caused so much pain in my home.
Never did I doubt for a minute, nor did I intend to infer that my in laws do not love my husband. I think in their pain and confusion that was misunderstood. My point was simply that the response that was given caused more pain and more hurt than the secrets that had been kept for so long.
I know this is a very difficult thing to digest. I am not exactly having an easy time of it myself. It is not easy to accept that someone you love more than anything and someone you thought you knew, turned out to be someone you didn't really know at all. The important thing to remember now that we have all had a little bit of time to rethink our initial responses is that the person he is has not changed. He is still the same man. He is still the same son. He is still the same Daddy and he is still my best friend.
It is going to take plenty of time for the wounds to heal. His, theirs and mine. I hope that in time he can heal from the hurt and the pain and that they can love him completely without judgment or reservation. As far as I am concerned, the only thing that matters is that he has someone to support and stand by him. I support him and stand by him because I love him. That is all that mattered. I put my own pain on the back burner because I could see the terror in his eyes when he told me. This is not your common marital dispute. I honestly can not see any way that we will ever salvage our marriage. That thought alone devastates me but to be without him entirely is something I can not even begin to fathom. I had to set my own pain aside to help him get through this. I will deal with my pain separately. Right now the focus is on rebuilding and reinforcing our friendship so that we can raise our daughter together and give her the stability she needs.
This will be the last blog written on this topic so I will close with this:
There doesn't always have to be a bad guy. Sometimes there is no one to blame. By finding a target to place blame upon we are not accepting the truth as it is. By blaming others for our own insecurities we are failing to learn the very important lessons that are there for us to learn. This is not the first time that I have been made the bad guy or the target for situations simply because I say what I feel. Im sorry if I say things that you are uncomfortable with. I have a long history with being the bad guy. If that helps some of them to get through this then so be it.
I would like to take the time and the space here to apologize to my in laws. Not for WHAT was said, but for the timing.
Sometimes we act out of impulse and emotion. I am human and am guilty of that as well as others. I try to be careful no matter how emotional I am and not say things that I can not take back. I forget that this is a lesson I have been learning for many years and not all people are as cautious or even on that path at all.
The thing is, the family was all upset because I expressed my feeling publicly here in my blog rather than say it in private. My reason for this is two fold. The first and front most reason for it being said in my blog is that lies and secrets, shame and embarrassment is what caused this situation in the first place. There is nothing to be embarrassed about our ashamed of. If those are the feelings you have they are yours alone to deal with. The second reason that this was said in a blog is to bring awareness to others. If this is a situation that can happen in our family then I am sure that it is happening in many families all over the world. What I was trying to do is bring awareness to the pain that your words and actions cause. I want people to THINK before the have that knee jerk reaction that caused so much pain in my home.
Never did I doubt for a minute, nor did I intend to infer that my in laws do not love my husband. I think in their pain and confusion that was misunderstood. My point was simply that the response that was given caused more pain and more hurt than the secrets that had been kept for so long.
I know this is a very difficult thing to digest. I am not exactly having an easy time of it myself. It is not easy to accept that someone you love more than anything and someone you thought you knew, turned out to be someone you didn't really know at all. The important thing to remember now that we have all had a little bit of time to rethink our initial responses is that the person he is has not changed. He is still the same man. He is still the same son. He is still the same Daddy and he is still my best friend.
It is going to take plenty of time for the wounds to heal. His, theirs and mine. I hope that in time he can heal from the hurt and the pain and that they can love him completely without judgment or reservation. As far as I am concerned, the only thing that matters is that he has someone to support and stand by him. I support him and stand by him because I love him. That is all that mattered. I put my own pain on the back burner because I could see the terror in his eyes when he told me. This is not your common marital dispute. I honestly can not see any way that we will ever salvage our marriage. That thought alone devastates me but to be without him entirely is something I can not even begin to fathom. I had to set my own pain aside to help him get through this. I will deal with my pain separately. Right now the focus is on rebuilding and reinforcing our friendship so that we can raise our daughter together and give her the stability she needs.
This will be the last blog written on this topic so I will close with this:
There doesn't always have to be a bad guy. Sometimes there is no one to blame. By finding a target to place blame upon we are not accepting the truth as it is. By blaming others for our own insecurities we are failing to learn the very important lessons that are there for us to learn. This is not the first time that I have been made the bad guy or the target for situations simply because I say what I feel. Im sorry if I say things that you are uncomfortable with. I have a long history with being the bad guy. If that helps some of them to get through this then so be it.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Words Carry Power
Yesterday I posted a very personal message. I think in the pain and confusion of the situation that it was extremely misunderstood.
First off, I am in no way judging anyone's religious belief. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own belief and opinion.
Secondly, I never stated in any way shape or form that my in laws do not love their son.
Third, it really does not matter to me the opinion you have of me.
The whole point of this was that my husband bared his soul and shared information he KNEW would hurt and upset his family, but it NEEDED to be shared.
If anyone thinks this has been easy for me, think again. My entire world has been destroyed. Everything as I knew it to be has changed. My marriage no longer remains the same, my future is completely uncertain, my day to day life is now filled with heart ache and sorrow. There is a grief here that is deeper than anyone sees.
While so many people are making this about them and creating more drama than necessary, my husband and I are cleaving together to try to weather this storm.
My husband needs compassion and support. What he received was criticism and bible verses. That is a fact that can not be denied nor changed. What the intent was at this point doesn't matter. It was the approach that was painful. It was painful to my husband because he needed compassion and felt rejected. It was painful to me because I saw the strength he worked so hard to obtain, rapidly drain from his body. I saw the pain and the horror on his face. You can try to mend that and clarify your intention, but that doesn't remove the pain or the impression that was left. Those things although not impossible to come back from, are very difficult to fully repair.
The family is upset because I posted my opinion publicly. I was as respectful as I could be considering the circumstances and I did not post anything until my husband had read it and told me to post it. Secrets and lies are what we are trying to overcome. The biggest challenge he has had is to break the silence and stop keeping secrets. I am sorry if you feel disgraced or ashamed. Those are YOUR feelings if you have them. It takes a lot strength for Tim to do what he did. Instead of hating him or feeling betrayed, I chose to love him and support him.
I realize I have had a month to try to come to terms with this while the rest of the family has only had a day. I also understand how hard this is for someone that is so deep in their belief to wrap their head around. None of that changes the fact that this is your son and when he needed you the most, you let him down. All of the arguing and the name calling and the finger pointing isn't going to change what is. Tim can not unsay what he said and he can not go back to lying and pretending to being someone he is not. Nothing will go back to how it was. That doesn't mean that there cannot be love. That doesn't mean that he is not the same person. That doesnt mean that in time, you may not come to accept without judgement.
I don't know how this will turn out for anyone but myself. For me, I know that the unconditional love and support, the lack of judgment and the never wavering loyalty I have given to him will bring to me the love and best friend in the end. I know that even though this is tough, throwing my personal pain into it is NOT going to fix it. I know that in the end for me, regardless of what happens to my marriage, my husband will remain my best friend and I will not lose the love or the bond we have.
The family needs someone to focus their hurt and their pain on. Of course that is me because I posted the blog. That is okay. I was well aware of the fall out before I posted it. I was also well aware of the fact that blaming me is much easier than dealing with the truth. I have been the "blame" for many issues over the last 10 years. Some of it is generated by fear and some of it is generated by the refusal to examine your own actions and behaviors. Its okay. I know who I am and I know my value. I also know that those things are NOT dependent on the opinion nor the approval of others.
What you may not know and may not be ready to accept is that the continued blaming and finger pointing, the continued judgement and the continued criticisms will only drive a bigger wedge into an already damaged family. If you truly love Tim then you need to let go of all of your preconceived notions and love him for who he is. He is still an amazing man. He is still a loving and supportive husband. He is still a fantastic Daddy. He is still the same person he was 2 days ago. The only thing that has changed is your perception.
Perception is reality. Words have power. Emotionally charged situations have the tendency to cause irreparable damage. Think about the words you choose to share with others and think about the perception both the perception you have and the perception you are hoping to create.
This life is too short to burn it up with hatred and resentment. This life is too valuable to be close minded and insecure. Your fear and pain will cause bigger problems if you don't face them than anything I can ever say.
Again, you don't have to like me. You don't have to like what I say. You can blame me for the things you can't find the strength to accept. I am alright with that. What I would like everyone here to think about is this:
What exactly is the relationship you would like to have with Tim? And how do you think your actions are going to achieve that?
I want a loving companionship. My actions are going to carry me in that direction. Are your words and actions taking you the direction you want to go?
First off, I am in no way judging anyone's religious belief. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own belief and opinion.
Secondly, I never stated in any way shape or form that my in laws do not love their son.
Third, it really does not matter to me the opinion you have of me.
The whole point of this was that my husband bared his soul and shared information he KNEW would hurt and upset his family, but it NEEDED to be shared.
If anyone thinks this has been easy for me, think again. My entire world has been destroyed. Everything as I knew it to be has changed. My marriage no longer remains the same, my future is completely uncertain, my day to day life is now filled with heart ache and sorrow. There is a grief here that is deeper than anyone sees.
While so many people are making this about them and creating more drama than necessary, my husband and I are cleaving together to try to weather this storm.
My husband needs compassion and support. What he received was criticism and bible verses. That is a fact that can not be denied nor changed. What the intent was at this point doesn't matter. It was the approach that was painful. It was painful to my husband because he needed compassion and felt rejected. It was painful to me because I saw the strength he worked so hard to obtain, rapidly drain from his body. I saw the pain and the horror on his face. You can try to mend that and clarify your intention, but that doesn't remove the pain or the impression that was left. Those things although not impossible to come back from, are very difficult to fully repair.
The family is upset because I posted my opinion publicly. I was as respectful as I could be considering the circumstances and I did not post anything until my husband had read it and told me to post it. Secrets and lies are what we are trying to overcome. The biggest challenge he has had is to break the silence and stop keeping secrets. I am sorry if you feel disgraced or ashamed. Those are YOUR feelings if you have them. It takes a lot strength for Tim to do what he did. Instead of hating him or feeling betrayed, I chose to love him and support him.
I realize I have had a month to try to come to terms with this while the rest of the family has only had a day. I also understand how hard this is for someone that is so deep in their belief to wrap their head around. None of that changes the fact that this is your son and when he needed you the most, you let him down. All of the arguing and the name calling and the finger pointing isn't going to change what is. Tim can not unsay what he said and he can not go back to lying and pretending to being someone he is not. Nothing will go back to how it was. That doesn't mean that there cannot be love. That doesn't mean that he is not the same person. That doesnt mean that in time, you may not come to accept without judgement.
I don't know how this will turn out for anyone but myself. For me, I know that the unconditional love and support, the lack of judgment and the never wavering loyalty I have given to him will bring to me the love and best friend in the end. I know that even though this is tough, throwing my personal pain into it is NOT going to fix it. I know that in the end for me, regardless of what happens to my marriage, my husband will remain my best friend and I will not lose the love or the bond we have.
The family needs someone to focus their hurt and their pain on. Of course that is me because I posted the blog. That is okay. I was well aware of the fall out before I posted it. I was also well aware of the fact that blaming me is much easier than dealing with the truth. I have been the "blame" for many issues over the last 10 years. Some of it is generated by fear and some of it is generated by the refusal to examine your own actions and behaviors. Its okay. I know who I am and I know my value. I also know that those things are NOT dependent on the opinion nor the approval of others.
What you may not know and may not be ready to accept is that the continued blaming and finger pointing, the continued judgement and the continued criticisms will only drive a bigger wedge into an already damaged family. If you truly love Tim then you need to let go of all of your preconceived notions and love him for who he is. He is still an amazing man. He is still a loving and supportive husband. He is still a fantastic Daddy. He is still the same person he was 2 days ago. The only thing that has changed is your perception.
Perception is reality. Words have power. Emotionally charged situations have the tendency to cause irreparable damage. Think about the words you choose to share with others and think about the perception both the perception you have and the perception you are hoping to create.
This life is too short to burn it up with hatred and resentment. This life is too valuable to be close minded and insecure. Your fear and pain will cause bigger problems if you don't face them than anything I can ever say.
Again, you don't have to like me. You don't have to like what I say. You can blame me for the things you can't find the strength to accept. I am alright with that. What I would like everyone here to think about is this:
What exactly is the relationship you would like to have with Tim? And how do you think your actions are going to achieve that?
I want a loving companionship. My actions are going to carry me in that direction. Are your words and actions taking you the direction you want to go?
Friday, August 22, 2014
We'll Burn in Hell Together!
So much has happened in my world over the last month. There has been so much confusion, heart ache and devastation. Yet there has also been so much compassion, understanding and growth. I know a lot of you have seen my posts on FB that don't seem like me. If you have been my friend either in real life or on FB for any length of time then you know that I generally try to be a positive and upbeat person. I am usually very tolerant and patient. I may joke or come off as someone that tolerates no bull but in reality, I try to be very understanding of the plights of others. No matter how hard I try to be understanding, some things just dont make any sense to me.
I am about to share with you some very personal and some very sensitive information. If you can not handle pure honesty and 100% truth then stop reading this now. If you can not handle the idea that someone's opinion may differ from yours, stop reading now. If you are so set in your mind that your belief is the only belief then STOP READING NOW!
I have forever been an advocate of equality. Racial equality, sexual equality, gender equality, you name it. In my mind you are the person you are, not the title you wear. Who you are on the inside is so much more important that what clothes you wear or what church you go to.
I am fed up to my eyebrows with people who claim to love and be good people only to show themselves as extremely judgmental and controlling.
About a month ago I discovered that my husband of the last seven years (we have been a couple for 10) is gay. He has spent his whole life lying and suppressing who he is because of the controlling and overbearing opinions of his parents. As much devastation that this has brought into my world, as much as this has totally shattered all my hopes and dreams for my future, I have tried my hardest to stand behind him and be supportive. We have had very many emotional outbursts in the last month but the top priority and what we keep coming back to is the well being and what is best for our 3yr old daughter. (Remember the monster that painted my house in lavender hand lotion?) We feel that it is best that she has her Mommy and her Daddy.
This morning my husband finally gathered the nerve to tell our adult children and his parents the truth. This was NOT an easy decision for him and I saw the agony on his face as he delivered the message to each of them. Immediately following the receipt of this message my children responded with all the love and compassion I expected of them. They not only wanted to be sure that their Mom was alright but they wanted their "Dad" to know that this changed nothing and they still love him and support him. Of course they were not happy that their parents are getting divorced, but they were all very supportive of their dad and his choice to finally tell the truth and stand up for who he is.
His children have not responded.
Shortly after sending this message to his parents, on cue and as we expected, his father called him and immediately began to tell him how wrong this is and that he can get help for this. He also began reciting scripture and bible verses and then told my husband how this is killing his mother. With all due respect to my inlaws, All I can say is REALLY?? I mean REALLY??
Your son just stood up and did the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and you are going to start preaching at him and telling him he is wrong? I think he would know whether or not it was a choice to be gay, after all it is HE who is gay. If you are not gay, and obviously since you are so ANTI gay it is safe to say you aren't, then how in the world would you KNOW if it is a choice or not? You dont! I dont care what you believe or what the bible says. If you believe that and choose to be lead by it that is fine for you. How many times do we have to have the argument that what is good for you is not necessarily good for others? Why in the world can you not accept your son without trying to guilt him into your way of believing? Can you not understand that your controlling and condescending attitude is why we are at this cross road in the first place? Can you not see that had you been more open minded and more accepting of your son in the first place he would not have had to lie and suppress his inner truth and there fore would never have married me and drug myself and my family into this as well?
I am not blaming my in laws for my husband being gay. It is not the 'fault' of anyone. It is not wrong so there is no fault. I am not blaming my inlaws for my life being destroyed or devastated. My husband could have been stronger and went against them sooner. What I am blaming my in laws for is the way they are treating him. Don't tell him you love him but continue to tell him that he is a sinner and that he needs help to see YOUR way of thinking. It is my entire future that has been upended and I am supporting him and standing behind him. Why can't you?
I have adult children. I know what it is like to be disappointed with some of their lifestyles. I don't condemn them or guilt them into doing things my way.
I will never understand for the life of me why it is so hard for people to love their children without judgment. I dont understand how you can not set your own feelings aside for just a moment and put yourself in his place. He just told the people he loves and admires the most something he KNEW they would not like and you reacted exactly the way he was afraid you would. What he needs now is support and understanding NOT condemnation and guilt trips. This is not about YOUR pain. This is not about MY pain. This is about a man who has lived his whole life in lies and deceit because he was afraid of your judgments. This is about a man who has finally broken so completely because he couldnt live with the lies anymore. This is about a man that just stood up and did the most difficult thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and a man who needs love and understanding right now.
I know this has turned into a rant and I apologize but I am still very upset on my husband's behalf. We have a lot of things that we need to sort out. We have decided to divorce. We also are working together to make this an amicable separation and to co parent our daughter so that her life is impacted as little as possible by this. We are trying to come to a place where our friendship can stand strong and outlive the heartache and the loss. This is an extremely emotional time for us and our unit. We will not allow any negativity into it. If you can not be supportive of the changes we are going through and you can not be supportive of the issues that we face then we do not need you to be involved right now.
I have always been the outcast and my soul is prayed for repeatedly because I am not a christian. I am not a bad person. I am not doing anything immoral or wrong. If praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means pray. I am used to shouldering the blame. I am the inlaw after all. I am sure that it will eventually be decided that I have hexed or possessed my husband and I have caused him not to believe in god, which by the way, he came to me for information I have never tried to influence him and I am sure it will come out somehow to be my fault and I have turned him gay.
First off, I dont care what you believe as long as you dont shove it on me. Secondly, I have never put a spell on my husband for any reason. Thirdly, you can not make someone gay. They either are or they arent. Lastly and most importantly, I dont care if you dislike me or blame me. My husband and best friend needs the all the love and support he can get right now and if Me and MY children are the only ones to give it to him then we are all he needs right now. Not a single soul in my family has judged him. My entire family has been supportive and understanding. Maybe that is the reason he is not going "home". Maybe "home" is what he was running away from.
I am about to share with you some very personal and some very sensitive information. If you can not handle pure honesty and 100% truth then stop reading this now. If you can not handle the idea that someone's opinion may differ from yours, stop reading now. If you are so set in your mind that your belief is the only belief then STOP READING NOW!
I have forever been an advocate of equality. Racial equality, sexual equality, gender equality, you name it. In my mind you are the person you are, not the title you wear. Who you are on the inside is so much more important that what clothes you wear or what church you go to.
I am fed up to my eyebrows with people who claim to love and be good people only to show themselves as extremely judgmental and controlling.
About a month ago I discovered that my husband of the last seven years (we have been a couple for 10) is gay. He has spent his whole life lying and suppressing who he is because of the controlling and overbearing opinions of his parents. As much devastation that this has brought into my world, as much as this has totally shattered all my hopes and dreams for my future, I have tried my hardest to stand behind him and be supportive. We have had very many emotional outbursts in the last month but the top priority and what we keep coming back to is the well being and what is best for our 3yr old daughter. (Remember the monster that painted my house in lavender hand lotion?) We feel that it is best that she has her Mommy and her Daddy.
This morning my husband finally gathered the nerve to tell our adult children and his parents the truth. This was NOT an easy decision for him and I saw the agony on his face as he delivered the message to each of them. Immediately following the receipt of this message my children responded with all the love and compassion I expected of them. They not only wanted to be sure that their Mom was alright but they wanted their "Dad" to know that this changed nothing and they still love him and support him. Of course they were not happy that their parents are getting divorced, but they were all very supportive of their dad and his choice to finally tell the truth and stand up for who he is.
His children have not responded.
Shortly after sending this message to his parents, on cue and as we expected, his father called him and immediately began to tell him how wrong this is and that he can get help for this. He also began reciting scripture and bible verses and then told my husband how this is killing his mother. With all due respect to my inlaws, All I can say is REALLY?? I mean REALLY??
Your son just stood up and did the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and you are going to start preaching at him and telling him he is wrong? I think he would know whether or not it was a choice to be gay, after all it is HE who is gay. If you are not gay, and obviously since you are so ANTI gay it is safe to say you aren't, then how in the world would you KNOW if it is a choice or not? You dont! I dont care what you believe or what the bible says. If you believe that and choose to be lead by it that is fine for you. How many times do we have to have the argument that what is good for you is not necessarily good for others? Why in the world can you not accept your son without trying to guilt him into your way of believing? Can you not understand that your controlling and condescending attitude is why we are at this cross road in the first place? Can you not see that had you been more open minded and more accepting of your son in the first place he would not have had to lie and suppress his inner truth and there fore would never have married me and drug myself and my family into this as well?
I am not blaming my in laws for my husband being gay. It is not the 'fault' of anyone. It is not wrong so there is no fault. I am not blaming my inlaws for my life being destroyed or devastated. My husband could have been stronger and went against them sooner. What I am blaming my in laws for is the way they are treating him. Don't tell him you love him but continue to tell him that he is a sinner and that he needs help to see YOUR way of thinking. It is my entire future that has been upended and I am supporting him and standing behind him. Why can't you?
I have adult children. I know what it is like to be disappointed with some of their lifestyles. I don't condemn them or guilt them into doing things my way.
I will never understand for the life of me why it is so hard for people to love their children without judgment. I dont understand how you can not set your own feelings aside for just a moment and put yourself in his place. He just told the people he loves and admires the most something he KNEW they would not like and you reacted exactly the way he was afraid you would. What he needs now is support and understanding NOT condemnation and guilt trips. This is not about YOUR pain. This is not about MY pain. This is about a man who has lived his whole life in lies and deceit because he was afraid of your judgments. This is about a man who has finally broken so completely because he couldnt live with the lies anymore. This is about a man that just stood up and did the most difficult thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and a man who needs love and understanding right now.
I know this has turned into a rant and I apologize but I am still very upset on my husband's behalf. We have a lot of things that we need to sort out. We have decided to divorce. We also are working together to make this an amicable separation and to co parent our daughter so that her life is impacted as little as possible by this. We are trying to come to a place where our friendship can stand strong and outlive the heartache and the loss. This is an extremely emotional time for us and our unit. We will not allow any negativity into it. If you can not be supportive of the changes we are going through and you can not be supportive of the issues that we face then we do not need you to be involved right now.
I have always been the outcast and my soul is prayed for repeatedly because I am not a christian. I am not a bad person. I am not doing anything immoral or wrong. If praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means pray. I am used to shouldering the blame. I am the inlaw after all. I am sure that it will eventually be decided that I have hexed or possessed my husband and I have caused him not to believe in god, which by the way, he came to me for information I have never tried to influence him and I am sure it will come out somehow to be my fault and I have turned him gay.
First off, I dont care what you believe as long as you dont shove it on me. Secondly, I have never put a spell on my husband for any reason. Thirdly, you can not make someone gay. They either are or they arent. Lastly and most importantly, I dont care if you dislike me or blame me. My husband and best friend needs the all the love and support he can get right now and if Me and MY children are the only ones to give it to him then we are all he needs right now. Not a single soul in my family has judged him. My entire family has been supportive and understanding. Maybe that is the reason he is not going "home". Maybe "home" is what he was running away from.
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