Rebuilding Yourself

I had a friend of mine share a challenge she had undergone. It was a challenge to learn to love yourself. Not just to say you love yourself, but to really learn to love who you are and what you are and all of you deep inside.

I had undergone a transformation some years back that taught me to love myself. I learned that I was a good person and that I was strong enough to handle life on my own. I didn't need a companion. I didn't need a man. I could take care of myself. I could support myself. But most importantly, I could BE myself. I didn't need to pretend to be less than I am. I didn't need to pretend I wasn't as smart as I am. I didn't need to watch my attitude or change my language. I could just be ME.

I learned that if people don't like me for who I am and how I am, then they don't really like me at all. I have learned not to settle for less than I deserve and also not to settle for less than I expect. I was in no hurry to have a partner because I had learned I could do this alone and that made it much easier for me to be selective.

I had spent my whole life, very literally to that point, being told how ugly I was or how fat I was. I was told that I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. I was told that without "him" whether that was the step dad or the boyfriend, or the husband.... that without "him" I would never be anything!

I always knew that I was better and that I deserved better, but it was hard. It is hard to break that shell. It is hard to get out from under the doubt that you are taught from day one. I never thought of myself as beautiful. I never thought of myself as attractive. I never thought I had anything to offer and so I settled for the first man that came by and told me he loved me. I didn't know then that he didn't know what love was or how to love in a healthy manner. I was injured and unhealthy so I didn't recognize that he was too. Looking back I know that we attract what we perceive ourselves to be.

I came from a childhood of being told how fat, ugly and stupid I was only to marry into a relationship that expanded on that. I was no longer a fat, ugly and stupid child, now I was a fat, ugly and stupid wife. Now I was worthless and I was an idiot. I was a bitch and a whore. I was miserable and deserved to be because every beating I got, I had asked for. At least that was his version.

I knew I deserved better and I knew my children deserved better. My problem is that I didn't see myself as better and therefore had a longer and harder struggle in front of me than I could even imagine. Skipping many years of gruesome details let's fast forward to the point where I learned the lesson to love me and to know that I am not the worthless things they told me I was. I did learn that I didn't need a man and certainly NOT THAT MAN!

I spent several years living by myself and taking care of myself without the help of anyone but especially NOT A MAN. Then it happened. One day this wonderful man came into my world and I found the love I knew was out there. I found the man that treated me the way I KNEW I deserved to be treated. He respected me and he treated me with love and compassion. He didn't raise his voice let alone a fist. I learned to believe I deserved love and respect and then it found me.

All of that being said, I am still very insecure. I still don't see my beauty and I still hide from cameras. So this man can love me, but I don't really understand why. I just knew that it was too good to let go of. I am a good person. I do good things. I care and I tend to those I love. THIS is why he loves me. When he tells me I am beautiful I choose to believe that it is my actions he is complimenting not my appearance. I have never learned to accept the beauty of who I am and have spent my whole life (which is creeping quickly toward 50 yrs) being told and believing that I was ugly and fat.

Back to my friend and her challenge. She took a picture of herself every day and posted it online to help with her self esteem. She told me after a month it made a huge impact. I decided to try it. I have done this now for 7 days and I get all the compliments she said I would but I am still having a difficult time believing them. I do this every day because I told her I would. I want to grow. I want to love myself completely. I want to feel free to be me and not worry about what others are going to think. I haven't gotten there but I am on a road that will take me there.

I have to share that the thing that hit me the hardest and really opened my eyes was the email I got from a male friend of mine. We are simply friends and nothing more but to have a male who is not my husband say to me the things that he said truly brought tears to my eyes. He saw me for who I am. He saw my beauty and my strength. He saw my struggle without even knowing my past or my history. Reading the message he left me literally brought tears to my eyes. For a moment I could see what he was seeing and it was beautiful. What I saw was that beauty is not in your face or your hair, it is in your soul. If you TRULY love yourself and believe in yourself your inner beauty radiates so brightly that even if you had no outer beauty, you would. I understood this when he told me but I have to admit I am still having difficulty applying it to myself.

The words he told me are very simple and yet they were so profound that this is now what I tell myself every day as encouragement to accept the challenge of posting my picture. He told me
 "So, do you think that metamorphosis is easy for the butterfly? Yes, that's right; I said butterfly, not caterpillar. Because that is not what the creature is, a caterpillar. It is a butterfly. It is just evolving into what it was always meant to be. It might be easy to stay a caterpillar, but it would not achieve it's destiny, it's purpose. You are greater than you think you are, more powerful than you know. I'm not trying to shuffle buffalo here or blow smoke
 Become the butterfly. Become. BE.
Just BE. Be yourself, be real and LOVE yourself.
Perfect? Well . . . yes. You are perfect being you"

Become the butterfly. Become. BE.

This is what I tell myself every day and honestly, this is the most helpful thing I have heard. 

I can say thank you a thousand times to this dear friend, but I don't think I can ever tell him how much he and his wisdom truly mean to me. So for now, I will continue with my selfies and as my metamorphosis begins, I will continue to thank those who steered me to this path and those that have helped to guide me down it!