Words Carry Power

Yesterday I posted a very personal message. I think in the pain and confusion of the situation that it was extremely misunderstood.

First off, I am in no way judging anyone's religious belief. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own belief and opinion.
Secondly, I never stated in any way shape or form that my in laws do not love their son.
Third, it really does not matter to me the opinion you have of me.

The whole point of this was that my husband bared his soul and shared information he KNEW would hurt and upset his family, but it NEEDED to be shared.

If anyone thinks this has been easy for me, think again. My entire world has been destroyed. Everything as I knew it to be has changed. My marriage no longer remains the same, my future is completely uncertain, my day to day life is now filled with heart ache and sorrow. There is a grief here that is deeper than anyone sees.

While so many people are making this about them and creating more drama than necessary, my husband and I are cleaving together to try to weather this storm.

My husband needs compassion and support. What he received was criticism and bible verses. That is a fact that can not be denied nor changed. What the intent was at this point doesn't matter. It was the approach that was painful. It was painful to my husband because he needed compassion and felt rejected. It was painful to me because I saw the strength he worked so hard to obtain, rapidly drain from his body. I saw the pain and the horror on his face. You can try to mend that and clarify your intention, but that doesn't remove the pain or the impression that was left. Those things although not impossible to come back from, are very difficult to fully repair.

The family is upset because I posted my opinion publicly. I was as respectful as I could be considering the circumstances and I did not post anything until my husband had read it and told me to post it. Secrets and lies are what we are trying to overcome. The biggest challenge he has had is to break the silence and stop keeping secrets. I am sorry if you feel disgraced or ashamed. Those are YOUR feelings if you have them. It takes a lot strength for Tim to do what he did. Instead of hating him or feeling betrayed, I chose to love him and support him.

I realize I have had a month to try to come to terms with this while the rest of the family has only had a day. I also understand how hard this is for someone that is so deep in their belief to wrap their head around. None of that changes the fact that this is your son and when he needed you the most, you let him down. All of the arguing and the name calling and the finger pointing isn't going to change what is. Tim can not unsay what he said and he can not go back to lying and pretending to being someone he is not. Nothing will go back to how it was. That doesn't mean that there cannot be love. That doesn't mean that he is not the same person. That doesnt mean that in time, you may not come to accept without judgement.

I don't know how this will turn out for anyone but myself. For me, I know that the unconditional love and support, the lack of judgment and the never wavering loyalty I have given to him will bring to me the love and best friend in the end. I know that even though this is tough, throwing my personal pain into it is NOT going to fix it. I know that in the end for me, regardless of what happens to my marriage, my husband will remain my best friend and I will not lose the love or the bond we have.

The family needs someone to focus their hurt and their pain on. Of course that is me because I posted the blog. That is okay. I was well aware of the fall out before I posted it. I was also well aware of the fact that blaming me is much easier than dealing with the truth. I have been the "blame" for many issues over the last 10 years. Some of it is generated by fear and some of it is generated by the refusal to examine your own actions and behaviors. Its okay. I know who I am and I know my value. I also know that those things are NOT dependent on the opinion nor the approval of others.

What you may not know and may not be ready to accept is that the continued blaming and finger pointing, the continued judgement and the continued criticisms will only drive a bigger wedge into an already damaged family. If you truly love Tim then you need to let go of all of your preconceived notions and love him for who he is. He is still an amazing man. He is still a loving and supportive husband. He is still a fantastic Daddy. He is still the same person he was 2 days ago. The only thing that has changed is your perception.

Perception is reality. Words have power. Emotionally charged situations have the tendency to cause irreparable damage. Think about the words you choose to share with others and think about the perception both the perception you have and the perception you are hoping to create.

This life is too short to burn it up with hatred and resentment. This life is too valuable to be close minded and insecure. Your fear and pain will cause bigger problems if you don't face them than anything I can ever say.

Again, you don't have to like me. You don't have to like what I say. You can blame me for the things you can't find the strength to accept. I am alright with that. What I would like everyone here to think about is this:

What exactly is the relationship you would like to have with Tim? And how do you think your actions are going to achieve that?

I want a loving companionship. My actions are going to carry me in that direction. Are your words and actions taking you the direction you want to go?