Isn't it ironic how you can think you know someone inside and out only to realize that you have no idea who they really are?
I had a phone conversation with an extremely dear friend of mine yesterday and this was one of the topics we covered. It is amazing to me how we can show other people only what we want them to see. It is even more amazing to me that you can spend your life with someone, day in and day out, and not know them like you think you do.
I am the kind of person that for the most part, presents myself as I am. I may not let you see me angry or upset. I may not let you see me cry or tell you when Im hurt. I tend to keep the "bad" parts of me hidden so that I will be liked and so that you won't think me a whiner or complainer. But, for the most part, what you see is who I am. I am open, honest, (sometimes to a fault) compassionate and caring. I do not present myself to be something I am not, neither better or worse than I truly am. I just am. Of course, for those friends I have made online, those who don't get the joy of seeing me in person, they may not see as much of my "negative" side as those who are close and in person. Not that I am an overly negative person, but when I am having a very tough time, I tend to get quiet online or I just do not bring all that to the computer.
For my closer friends, the ones that I go to with all my love, my pains, my fears, they get more information and see me in more emotional situations. This would be the same in a day to day life with no online friends. We tend to put on smiles for certain groups of people and allow ourselves to fall apart in front of others. This is a normal thing that most people do. At least I believe it is.
BUT..... what happens when someone who is close to you, someone you bare your soul to, someone you trust hasn't granted you the same intimacies? What happens when someone so close to you has been keeping secrets from you? Whether it is intentionally or not, when you discover those secrets you are crushed. You are hurt on a level of deep that can not be described by words. It feels like the ultimate betrayal because you have trusted them with everything that is sacred to you, yet they have held back or kept something from you.
Why is it that we feel its okay to hide bits of ourselves but it isn't okay for others to hide bits from us? Why do we tend to be hurt or upset when we discover things that were not voluntarily shared? I mean, we do expect our own privacy right? So why do we feel wounded when someone else has theirs? I am not talking about the lies and secrets that can destroy a relationship, that is a whole other matter. What I am talking about is simply incidental information. Example, my favorite color, my favorite song, my favorite thing to do, or my favorite food. How many of my friends truly know these things? They are every day mundane bits that I don't think to share, yet most people who know me might know these things. There are other things that are maybe a tad more personal that I don't share because the relationship from my perspective may not be close enough to share it such as relationship situations or family events. These are things a bit closer to home and sharing privacy of others and therefore are not things I share as openly. You all may know I took the children to Disneyland, but you don't have all the details of the trip or the conversations shared. We all do this.
Where the hurt and the betrayal comes in is where we feel that we have close relationship with someone and they don't feel as close on their side. If we feel closer, we share more. When we share all we have only to find out that the other person didn't share, we feel betrayed. That betrayal can sometimes take on a life of it's own.
It is difficult for us to accept that others may have secrets we don't know. Well, others that are our friends. Strangers have a plethora of secrets and we don't seem to be bothered by that.
I guess my whole point here is, how well do you really know someone? How well can you? At the end of the day when it is all said and done, no matter what YOUR perception is, you only know someone as well as they allow you to.
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