The Return of the House Guests

My house guests are back. After tucking in the witchlet and while talking with a Sister about her current situation I was startled by the presence of the boy and an adult. Not sure why they are back. I havent seen them in a month or so. Brooklynn has seen them and spoken of them in the last few days, but tonight was the first time I have seen them since we changed her room. I dont have the ability to fully understand what it is they need or are trying to convey. But for me to actually see them again means there IS something they need, or need to convey. I can not help but think that it is related to the issue I was talking to my sweet Sister about although I have no way of knowing this surely. I will meditate and dream of this I am sure. Hopefully I can come to a sure and comfortable answer so I can help them OR they can help me. I do not feel any negativity from them, it was just a bit startling to look up and see them when I have not seen nor felt their presence in so long. I try not to ask the witchlet too much about them unless she brings them up. Mostly all I get from her is that she will point to where she sees them and tell me they are there. I dont think she knows what they want either. She does not seem to be bothered by them much, except that they do linger more in the shadow or dim light than in the day light. Sometimes I wish I had someone that could just give me answers. I know there are others with talents other than my own. Why is it that I would have the gift of seeing them if I can not communicate with them? Why is it that I can sense some things but others I am at a total loss?

I truly believe that these are gifts we are given and that there is a reason for them. I just do not understand why we are not given any instruction on how to use them or how to develop other parts that would definitely enhance the parts we have. Is it part of my journey to discover someone who can fill in the blanks I can not? Or is it that I am supposed to develop the parts I do not have? Some days I just do not know. What I do know is that I have a lot going on with the gifts I do have. I can not possibly begin to imagine having MORE to deal with than what I have. Again, I am sure I will be meditating.

I apologize for the rambling. Maybe I should start a group for folks that need to talk and interact with people having gifts other than there own. Wouldnt that be nice to have a place where you could go and hook up with people that have the gifts you need to get things done and not have to struggle or feel like you are flailing about because you only have half of what you need to get a job done? What am I talking about?! I am sure that there are dozens of places like that already.... But why haven't I found them?? Thanks again for reading.

Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.

 Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.

 Sometimes we need to ramble to heal.

 Most days I dont really think about my Mom any more. She passed almost 27 years ago. Sure she crosses my mind from time to time, but not like it was in the beginning. Let me back up. Without the back story, the rest of this probably will make as much sense to you as my randomly blurting out the color of my underwear without explaining what I was referring to. Which, by the way, Im not going to do so dont worry there!

My mother crossed through the veil on October 2, 1988. She was 44 years old. Never in my life have I ever felt the absolute anguish that I felt that night. I honestly felt that my beating heart was torn right from my chest. I was 21. Over the next few months and probably even the first year to even two, I missed my mother every day. Not a moment passed that I didn't miss her in one fashion or another. From needing to call for a quick question or needing a recipe I knew she had. I can not begin to tell you how  many times I picked up the phone to dial the number only to realize once it began to ring that she would never again pick up the other end. I also can not begin to describe to you how exactly that feels. Knowing that the person you are trying to reach will NEVER answer your calls again.

Some time went by and slowly I got used to the idea that Mom would not be there so I stopped trying to call. I still missed her when my children would do something sweet or special or so down right rotten that I would think and often say aloud, "If only my Mom could see this!" It seemed she was missing all the good stuff and I was missing her. Eventually that shifted too.

Time passed as it always does. As I dealt with the struggles of my own life and the choices I had made several things began to occur to me. The first thing being how everyone tends to turn those who have crossed over into some kind of saint. It is almost as if now that they aren't here, none of their short comings ever happened or existed. Like they had never made a single mistake in their life. Why is this? Why do we turn the dead into the revered? After time even that faded. I was so absorbed in my own life and my own woes that I had no time to miss my mother day in and day out. She still crossed my mind and I still loved her and missed her, but that thought was no longer the first thought I had every day nor was it the last thought I had every night.

Fast forward now to years later... I don't even know how many... but a lot.

I started to think of all the things that my mother should have done as a mom, and didn't. I started to think of all the times that my mother not only let me or my siblings down, but how she never picked herself back up. I started to remember all the things about my mother that were not so pretty. Did this mean I didn't love her? No. Of course not. It meant that she was not perfect and I was seeing that. I don't believe my mother was a bad person. I believe my mother was a weak person. Sometimes it still hurts to think that she was not there when I needed her. It hurts to know that even when she was there, she wouldn't help me. When I think about all the times as a child I really NEEDED my Mom, I can not think of ONE of those times that she was ever emotionally available. Do I think that my mom really 'didn't want' to be there? No. I just don't think she was capable. I honestly don't think my mother knew how to be a mother. She didn't know how to stand up for herself and by extension, had no idea how to protect or defend her children. As a result, we were subjected to a lot of things that children should never be subjected to.

Fast forward again... I dont know how far, just hold the button down a while and let it up when you catch up to where I am.

I had my own children and was making a lot of choices that at the time I made them, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for my children. Looking back now, I see that as much as I loved those children and as fiercely as I fought to protect them, I too was making bad choices. I didn't know how to be a mother either. Okay, realistically, none of us do... there is no handbook on parenting, but I honestly had no role model to follow. My mother checked out mentally before I was even old enough to register what that meant. I lived in a war zone on a daily basis and struggled my best to help my younger siblings along. Now that I had my own children, it seemed like I kept choosing relationships that were war zones. After all, that was all I knew. Even though I KNEW there had to be something better. I mean, I KNEW that I DESERVED better. MY CHILDREN deserved better, I had a difficult time finding that better. I had no mom to go to for advice. I had no mom to call and cry on her shoulder. I had no mom.

I did the very best I could raising my children. I know now looking back that I made mistakes. I see the choices they make as adults and can see where some of them are directly related to choices I made when they were young and at times like this, I ache. Had I been wiser. Had I been stronger. Had I only made better choices, they would be better equipped. In some areas I definitely failed my children. I can honestly say that some of that is my own mother's fault. Had I had a role model, or a mother figure, I may have done things a little better. Had someone ever taught me financial responsibility, I would have understood it better and been able to pass that down to my children. Had I been taught to plan for the future, possibly my children wouldnt be struggling so much now? Of course then there is the part where they make their own choices and no matter what I did try to teach them, only so much can fall back on their lineage. The rest is personal choice. I get that.

If we fast forward just a few more years at this point, I am not thinking much of my mom at all these days. I am just trying to get through the day and the main thought on my mind is just literally making it through the day. I think of how I got myself into the mess I am in and how if I ever get out of it I will definitely have to change some things. I think about how all this time I have been searching for answers and desperately seeking someone to love me as much as I had love to give, only to end up dying, at home and alone. How ironic is that? I spent 35 yrs or more looking desperately for that "better" that I knew had to be out there somewhere and now I am not sure that I will even make it through the night. No one could have let their own children down more than I did right?  Wrong.

I did make it through that. Obviously, I am here now. And I stayed true to my word as well.. once I got through that, things needed to change. I did a whole lot of self evaluation. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues and learned how to love myself and move on. I did learn how to love myself. I did move on. I learned a lot of things about myself and the rest of the world. I learned a lot about life and about my own personal truth. Most of all, I learned about LOVE. Real, honest, make your soul ache love. That was something I had never experienced before. Partially because I didn't feel that I had it from my parents and partially because I was tarnished from not having it with my parents so even though I had it with my children, it was different. I quit looking for that man to love me and learned to love myself. When I did finally love myself, that man walked into my life.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and trembled because of what was reflected back to you? If you have not then you have no idea what REAL, HONEST, TRUE TO YOUR SOUL love really is. I had never in my life been so afraid as I was to look into my husband's eyes and literally SEE the depth of his love for me. I still see it all these years later. That is when I began to heal. I still don't think much about my mom at this point.

A few years go by and my life is going pretty darn well. I have learned all about financial responsibility and not only are the bills being paid and on time, but credit is building and we are able to have nice things. New cars. A nice home. Grandchildren......that is a whole other lesson in love and a whole other story. What is important is that we have a chance now with the MP to do all those things that were so wrong, over. We have the chance to do them right and I am determined to do so. I am thinking about my mom a little more now.

MP is 3yrs old now. I have learned so much from the mistakes that I made with my older children. I have learned so much from the mistakes my mom made raising us. I think about her a bit more these days.

Here is the thing; Did I tell you that MP was born on my mother's birthday? No? well she was. For those of you who like numbers take a stab at this... My mother was born on 2/9/44. MP was born on 2/9/11. My mother would have been turning 67 the day MP was born. I was born in 67. Which made me 44 when the MP was born. There is too much here for me to think any of this was coincidence. I just haven't puzzled out exactly what it all means yet.

I find myself thinking of my mom more and more these days. Was she the fireball as a child that the MP is? That certainly is NOT the mom that I remember. The woman that was emotionally beaten down and disconnected. How could she EVER have been the spitfire the MP is? The sad thing is, there is no one to ask. The only relative left that I speak with is my mother's youngest sister. But she is more like a sister to me. She was closer in age to me than to my mother. She was not around when my mother was a child to have those answers and though she tries to help me with a lot, there are some questions she just can not answer for me.

Now, when I want to know what I was like or where the pictures of me are, there are only limited things that my aunt can help me with. In reality, I really miss my mom a lot. Now that I am finally letting that wound heal. And believe me, it is still raw, open and gaping, but it is finally beginning to heal. I miss my mom again. I don't know what all was in her world that she had to contend with. She had her own demons. It would have been nice if she had ever shared truths with me. Like medical history. I had no idea that so many of my illnesses or inflictions were hereditary. I mean I knew they were. I just didnt have any clue where I got them. After talking with my aunt, I am finding that a lot of them were from my mom. Why didnt my mom tell me? Why didnt she tell me that if you needed a thyroid pill you had to take it for the rest of your life? Why did I have to learn that the hard way in my early 20s? IN MY 20s?? I had never had a prescription other than antibiotics until then. How was I supposed to know I had to refill the damn thing? Why didnt she tell me that? Why didnt she tell me how having children was the most difficult thing I would ever do? Or that every choice I made would impact them greater than it did me? Did she even KNOW that? I dont think she did. I honestly think she died too early to see that. I would have liked to have learned financial responsibility so that I didnt struggle so hard and so long. But I guess she didn't know anything other than the struggle so how would she have taught me otherwise? There are so many things I would have liked to have learned. So many things that I was too busy thinking I knew it all the first time through, that I missed. So many things I would just like to ask my mom.

MP is 3 years old now. The saddest thing in the world to me is that my children never had a grandma because she crossed over when my oldest was only 2. MP will never have a grandma because I am her mom. That to me is very sad. Every child needs grandparents. Don't get me wrong, she has plenty of people that love her. But it isnt the same as having a heritage or a family history. Times like these, I miss my mom.