Weathering the storm

Learning to dance in the rain. Or learning to let yourself experience the pain so you can heal. How many wounds do we have that are buried so deeply inside? That we have forced ourselves NOT to remember? That we have simply laid aside because they were to painful to deal with? As I live this life and walk this path, I learn new things every day. I think the biggest lessons are the ones I am still learning about who I am. The lessons about what made me who I am. Today while speaking with my closest friend of 30 years I had a revelation that I never expected.

I truly knew that there were many things that I have experienced and have had to face in order to grow and heal. I also realized that there were many issues that I set aside either because they were too painful to deal with, or they seemed inconsequential at the time. I am learning that EVERYTHING is consequential.

Things that I have shrugged off as, "Well that is just the way it was" or "It is over and I know what NOT to imitate" ... these things that I 'thought' I had let go of an moved on.. these are the things that are so deeply buried that the venom of the infection is still burning and eating away at me. This is still affecting my core being and my habits, my attitudes, and my behaviors. This is something that I have examined from other angles at various other times but for some reason, today it all jumped out at me.

I am not discounting the lessons I have already learned. Nor am I making these lessons the only lessons that have value. EVERY LESSON LEARNED HAS VALUE! However, upon self examination I further realized that I have come this far and done all of this completely on my own.

I have not had extensive hours of expensive therapy. I have had no one diagnose my 'traumas' or tell me what I needed to work on to become a better person. I have had no one person to turn to or to lean on to give me that comfort and encouragement I needed or sought to go through the steps necessary to address the wounds of my life or the pains of my past. I am not saying there were no people that cared or that there were no people that wanted to help. What I am saying is that I felt isolated. I felt judged. I felt unworthy and unloved and for those reasons, I withdrew. I closed myself off.

I have worked very hard to learn how to correct my mistakes. I have worked very hard to learn that loving and accepting myself was one of the first steps to finding love and acceptance from others. I have worked to forgive a lot of the wrongs done to me and to forgive myself for wrongs I have done. I am still working and learning how to let others in. I learned today that I still have open wounds. Although they have been buried so deeply that I can not even see them myself, they are there. They can not heal until they can be exposed to the air and be cleansed.

I am not the person I was 30 yrs ago. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I am not done learning. I am not done healing. All of that being said, I am NOT a bad person. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes my judgement is still skewed in certain situations. No matter how loudly or how often I say I dont care what people think of me, I learned today that is not true. I do care. I care very much.

Caring what people think of me, and changing who I am to impress others are NOT the same thing. I am still who I am. I still do what I think is right. I will not change who I am or what I believe to please others but it still hurts to realize that they do not like me for me. It still hurts to accept that no matter how much I try to heal me, I will never be good enough for some others. This is a deep rooted wound. One that is extensive enough that after all the years of self examination and retrospect, I had hidden it deeply enough that it hadnt even surfaced until this one afternoon while chatting with a friend.

I guess the point to all of this rambling about learning and healing and growing is very simply, we all have a tendency to fool ourselves into over looking the things that are the toughest to address. I have grown in so many ways. I have accepted and truly learned so many lessons. I have realized today that it is time to examine this wound thoroughly so that it may be cleansed and may begin to truly heal. No more slapping band aids on it. It is time to let it be exposed to the air with the occasional bump or painful rubbing against life so that it may truly heal and stop coming back again and again as a festering infection that causes more pain and fever. It is time to really clean it and let it go.

Maybe This IS My Path

As time goes by and I keep thinking "why did you even begin that blog? You never take or make the time to post or update it." I find something more important that I want to say. Of course I dont take the time to say it when I should and it loses its importance by the time I finally have time to sit down. 
Of course now we are done with the move. I am here 2000 miles from where I started and I am happy. I am about 95% unpacked and have hit a stand still. Need more bookshelves. Need more closet space. Need to figure out how in the world I acquired so much stuff!
The Monster Princess is loving the change. She loves her daily walks and our trips to the park. She is exploring and learning so much and so fast! We are adjusting to our new environment and our new schedule, but things have definitely slowed down. We are very happy.
Now that you have had the readers digest condensed version of how things are now, here is the real reason for the post.
I have been told a multitude of times in my life that my purpose was to bring peace and to bring unity. Of course, me being who I am... I have to find my own meaning to this. I am not going to believe the words of another over my own path. I have been walking this path for well over 30 yrs now and have finally come to a point, where I "thought" I knew who I was.  I say thought because over the last few days and even weeks, that has been changing. Last fall I accepted who I was and what my challenge was to be. The challenge I accepted was to enter the phase of my life bestowed upon me. I transitioned from Mother to Crone. Although I did not see myself as wise, I was told otherwise and told that this was the path I must walk. I must trust and believe in myself and share with others the wisdom they needed. 

HOW DO YOU WALK THIS PATH? REALLY.
I honestly don't know how to walk this path so I continued being me and have tried to be there for those who ask for help. I am learning what to say and when to say it or when NOT to say it. I am learning to be careful with my words and the way they are used. I say I am learning because I am human and it is not something you can do once and then always get it right. It is something that you need to continually work to achieve.

When discussing my move here to the desert with one a very good friend of mine, I had made the statement that me, being a water soul and longing for and loving the desert had totally confounded my husband. My answer was, maybe growing up here and not being around water taught me the value and how to appreciate water. That good friend made a statement that was more profound to me than she could ever know. It resonated deeply enough that days later, I can still feel the vibration of it. She said simply, "Or maybe you will bring water to the desert."

Thinking about this I am thinking about how things are changing all around me. How can one person change the world? Be yourself and have the right friends. Truly, that is the answer. 
 Who would have thought that I would be friends with some very influential people? I never did. Who would have thought that I would be the hub in some of the greatest connections? I never did. Who would have thought that so many things would change for so many people just because I was involve. I certainly NEVER did! I am not saying any of this to "pat my own back" or to promote my influence at all. Instead I am saying this a bit in surprise myself.
I have connected people of different walks just by being friends with both. I have put certain people in touch with others just by being me. 
I have become very good friends with a self proclaimed "Heretic Christian". He calls himself this because over the course of our friendship he has learned to be tolerant and understanding of a faith other than his own. He has learned that what makes you a good person is what you believe, but not in a religious sense. He has learned that "faith" is important, but that having said faith is more spiritual than religious. Over the course of our relationship he has begun to question the teachings of his own religion based solely on his own beliefs and what he beliefs to be just.
I have become very good friends with a woman whom I consider to be highly respected and well connected in the Pagan culture. I have looked up to her and respected her in an almost reverent nature. She is my mentor and I hope I can be as graceful and wise as she is. Imagine my surprise when she tells me that I am wise and that I am a blessing! 
My nature is to doubt myself and not take the credit that is given. But when I stand back and I am honest with myself and my spirit, I see that I am these things they are saying about me. I am that one that can connect two faiths that fear each other. I am that one that is trying to make a difference in the world, even if only just in my corner. 
Who knows, maybe by changing my corner, and each of the influential people I touch change what they call their corner, maybe this ONE person can make a difference. And maybe, just maybe.....
I will be the one to bring water to the desert!