Some Things Change; Some Don't

Have you ever noticed how you can tell when things change in a persons life?

If you are friends and you chat daily on Facebook or on the phone it's probably likely that you would notice when things change for them. If they don't talk to you for a few days or even weeks, you assume that they are busy or you were busy with your own things and you are glad to see them when they return. What happens when they gradually start pulling away. Do you even notice?

Honestly, I doubt you do. We are all so busy with our own lives and our own woes that we seldom even realize who is in our world from day to day. With a combination of our busy lives we tend to over look people more and more regularly. It isn't that we mean to. We simply just carry on with what we are doing and all of a sudden out of nowhere we realize there is a piece missing. Sometimes we dont even know how long that piece has been missing before we discover it.

We really have over loaded our lives with stress and pressure. We don't take the time to tell the ones we care about how much we really do care. Even more importantly we don't take the time we need to reach out and touch the lives of those that have held such a spot in ours. Part of this I would say is the growth of society and technology but honestly I think that this is so much simpler than that. I think we have all gotten selfish and lazy.

How many of you were raised with the values that you spend holidays and traditional celebrations with your family? Remember going to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving? All the family was there and all the cousins played together? Remember birthday parties for the kids and all the adults gathered and talked like they were still kids and the parties were still for them? How many still call their mother once a week? How many take the time to visit?

I have to say that I am as guilty as the next. I try to reach out to those I love and I try to stay connected but the truth is, I too get so wrapped up in my own life and my own affairs that I forget to make that effort. My mother crossed the veil when I was 21 so my children didn't have grandparents growing up. I had no one to call on mother's day and no one to visit for Thanksgiving or Yule. For many many years I have had just myself and my children. As the children got older, they spent special holidays with their in laws or extended family so I found myself working more and more.

Im sure that we all understand these situations even if they are not describing you. What happens though, when you have that disconnect with your spouse or your children. Can you live in a house with someone day in and day out and never connect? Can you go through the motions and never really have the feeling? What happens when you wake up and realize this is what you have been doing? Is there a way to re connect? Are you sure that you even want to?

What happens when you disconnect from your friends? When you stop making even the little effort you used to make? Do these friends reach out to you? Or do they let you fade into the back ground?

I think there are so many answers to all of these questions. I think that the answer for each and every person is as individual as they themselves are unique.

I think that we need to find time to connect with those we love. I think we need to find time to slow down and enjoy the connections before they are lost. I think we need to retrain ourselves to reach out regularly. You never know when you are going to be the ONLY one trying to reach out or how badly someone may need you to reach out for them.

We do not pay enough attention to each other these days. Now that everything is electronic, I can drop you an email or a text to let you know I care, but is that really personal enough? In some cases it is. But in some cases, you can see a whole lot less in a text or email than you could in person.

If you care you should make some time. Even just a little time. We do not realize who is shutting down or who is crying out if we are not paying attention to those around us. Take some time and reconnect with those you care about. Make an effort and stay connected.

I will too.

Where Do You Draw the Line?

How do you know when you have crossed that line? I mean is there a sign or a warning when you have finally crossed that mental line? When your stress becomes depression, is there a flashing sign that says you have finally lost it? When you know you are doing the wrong thing and that it will have a VERY negative effect on the ones you love, is there a warning bell or a flashing light? I mean of course there isn't REALLY, but mentally... is there something there to tell you that you are about to cross a line of no return? I mean I just don't understand how some people can cross a line that will so blatantly change their lives and then the only defense they have for it is, "I'm sorry."

What are you sorry for? Are you sorry for crossing the line? Are you sorry that it had the effect you knew that it would? Are you sorry that you knew you were making a bad choice but made it anyway? I mean, how can you say you are sorry when you made that choice knowingly. If you were truly sorry wouldn't you have made a different choice?

For me, there is definitely a warning. I know that I am about to lose it. I know that I am about to go ape shit crazy and lose my marbles. I know that if things do not change I will go mad. I know that I have enough stress that I am at a breaking point and I don't want to break. When I have a choice that is going to affect those around me and I KNOW without a doubt that it will not be something good, I have to hesitate before I make a choice. I have to weigh my odds and decide which is going to be the worse of the outcomes and then I make my choice. PERSONALLY, I would choose NOT to do something that I knew would devastate my world or my family. I would choose NOT to do something that there is no changing. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way I do. Sometimes you cross a line in a momentary impulse and once you have crossed it there is absolutely no going back. Some people, once that line is crossed figure that since they have already crossed, they may as well stay and play a while. Never realizing that the longer you stay on the other side of the line, the more damage you cause. Sometimes it doesn't matter how long you are on the other side of the line, the fact that you even went there is enough to destroy all you have built.

I guess the point to all of this is to THINK. Seriously, think about what the hell you are doing and how it will affect others around you. There are always options. If that line absolutely MUST be crossed, there are more ways than one to cross. I mean you can cross at the corner or in the middle of the road. You can choose to do this and keep it to yourself until it is exposed and pay double the price, or you can discuss it ahead of time and try to consider your options.

If you know that the decision you are about to make affects someone other than you, maybe you should discuss that choice with the other person that will be affected?

Sometimes your crossing the line can be the catalyst to another crossing a different line. Like that line of mental clarity vs loss. Sometimes one person's bad choice results in another person's mental break. Or one person's mental break can result in another person's crossing a line.

When your life is tied so closely to the lives of others, all of your choices, good and bad will affect the lives of those others. If you have any love or compassion for them at all, stop and heed the warnings. Pay attention to the alarms and warning bells. Don't be so selfish as to cross lines that you can not uncross. Don't be so careless as to throw someone's life into the drain or across another line.

Remember when you make a vow or commitment to another, that all of your choices and all of your decisions will now affect that other and therefore, you should include that other in such choices and decisions.

Your consideration could save someone a mental break. Your accepting responsibility beforehand rather than apologizing afterward may just be the thing that helps them deal with a situation in an adult manner or being emotionally charged and making wrong choices.

Understanding that we are all connected and what one does will affect all others in one manner or another is a huge part of making better choices. Of course you have to want to make better choices and you have to care about the others in order for any of this to matter.

In the end, no matter which way you handle your line crossing, you had better be ready to stand up and take the backlash. There WILL be a back lash. You can either take it like the adult you should have been and try to repair the damage caused and clean up the mess made, or you can be immature and play the blame game and lay fault. Again, the choice is yours.

We have all been hurt. We have all been on the verge of a mental break. I dont know about you but I dont like being place in either position. This is the reason I try to be conscientious of the choices I make and who is going to be affected by them. Its your life, its your choice, this was just my rambling mind with an opinion I felt I needed to voice.

Live well and treat those you love with courtesy and respect. Be the best person you can be and try your damnedest NOT to be the cause of someone's mental break.  Love and be loved.

Things Are Not Always As They Appear

Isn't it ironic how you can think you know someone inside and out only to realize that you have no idea who they really are?

I had a phone conversation with an extremely dear friend of mine yesterday and this was one of the topics we covered. It is amazing to me how we can show other people only what we want them to see.  It is even more amazing to me that you can spend your life with someone, day in and day out, and not know them like you think you do.

I am the kind of person that for the most part, presents myself as I am. I may not let you see me angry or upset. I may not let you see me cry or tell you when Im hurt. I tend to keep the "bad" parts of me hidden so that I will be liked and so that you won't think me a whiner or complainer. But, for the most part, what you see is who I am. I am open, honest, (sometimes to a fault) compassionate and caring. I do not present myself to be something I am not, neither better or worse than I truly am. I just am. Of course, for those friends I have made online, those who don't get the joy of seeing me in person, they may not see as much of my "negative" side as those who are close and in person. Not that I am an overly negative person, but when I am having a very tough time, I tend to get quiet online or I just do not bring all that to the computer.

For my closer friends, the ones that I go to with all my love, my pains, my fears, they get more information and see me in more emotional situations. This would be the same in a day to day life with no online friends. We tend to put on smiles for certain groups of people and allow ourselves to fall apart in front of others. This is a normal thing that most people do. At least I believe it is.

BUT..... what happens when someone who is close to you, someone you bare your soul to, someone you trust hasn't granted you the same intimacies? What happens when someone so close to you has been keeping secrets from you? Whether it is intentionally or not, when you discover those secrets you are crushed. You are hurt on a level of deep that can not be described by words. It feels like the ultimate betrayal because you have trusted them with everything that is sacred to you, yet they have held back or kept something from you.

Why is it that we feel its okay to hide bits of ourselves but it isn't okay for others to hide bits from us? Why do we tend to be hurt or upset when we discover things that were not voluntarily shared? I mean, we do expect our own privacy right? So why do we feel wounded when someone else has theirs? I am not talking about the lies and secrets that can destroy a relationship, that is a whole other matter. What I am talking about is simply incidental information. Example, my favorite color, my favorite song, my favorite thing to do, or my favorite food. How many of my friends truly know these things? They are every day mundane bits that I don't think to share, yet most people who know me might know these things. There are other things that are maybe a tad more personal that I don't share because the relationship from my perspective may not be close enough to share it such as relationship situations or family events. These are things a bit closer to home and sharing privacy of others and therefore are not things I share as openly. You all may know I took the children to Disneyland, but you don't have all the details of the trip or the conversations shared. We all do this.

Where the hurt and the betrayal comes in is where we feel that we have close relationship with someone and they don't feel as close on their side. If we feel closer, we share more. When we share all we have only to find out that the other person didn't share, we feel betrayed. That betrayal can sometimes take on a life of it's own.

It is difficult for us to accept that others may have secrets we don't know. Well, others that are our friends. Strangers have a plethora of secrets and we don't seem to be bothered by that.

I guess my whole point here is, how well do you really know someone? How well can you? At the end of the day when it is all said and done, no matter what YOUR perception is, you only know someone as well as they allow you to.

Self reflection is not selfish

Why is it that when we feel slighted or disturbed over a situation that we tend to become selfish? I say we because I have noticed that I do this also. We become self centered and forget that there are other problems bigger than ours. No matter how severe our problems seem to us, the ones we complain loudest about usually are not life threatening. Usually the ones we complain loudest about are things that we play our own role in but can not see the role we are playing for the misplaced emotions we let overtake us. Those who really have a right to gripe are those that smile and wish us well while never moaning of their issues or the unfairness of it all. We sometimes tend to judge others by a standard we hold for ourselves. The truth is we can not hold another to a standard we live by any more than we like them to hold us to a standard of their making. Why can we remember this when it's time to remind others yet can never seem to recall when it is ourselves passing the judgment? Why does a double standard seem to be so commonplace? I have made a more conscious effort to abstain from such judgment and although I struggle at times I am learning that no matter how I feel at this moment or my moment of hurt, there are so many others with issues that are much more severe than mine. It doesn't mean my issues aren't important it means that when handled with poise and grace rather than selfishness and pain, I have better clarity and focus which leads to a more positive outcome rather than the misery that comes with the negativity and the complaining.

There are people that have failing health. Critically failing. Terminally ill. Of course you don't feel well when you are running a temperature or have a virus, but the fact is, most times it is a common cold or virus that many others suffer as well and you probably will not die from it. We all want someone to take care of us when we don't feel well. We all want someone to take care of us. Instead of being angry that I am ill and no one is babying me or checking on me, I try to remind myself that I will survive this and that there are many many people with illnesses that they may not survive. Is this slight temperature something I should be so negative about? Or should I be grateful that it is only this and not something terminal? 

There are many people out there with relationship issues. Do the problems I have, the ones that seem so overwhelming to me, really outweigh those of another? Of course not. My problems seem like they are the most critical and the most severe because they are MINE. That is the selfishness I am addressing here. Just because I may have some issues that need to be resolved and they are important to me, does not mean that MY issues are the only ones with importance or the ones with the most priority in the grand scheme of things.

I think this world would be a much happier place and we would all be much happier people if we stop living in our sense of self and remember that there are so many others and that each and every one of them is suffering as well. Whether or not they share their suffering is their business. But don't fool yourself for a moment into believing that because someone laughs and smiles and acts as though they have not a care in the world that it isn't exactly that, an act. 

Everyone handles their issues in their own way. Some of us are whiners and complainers and some of us smile and go on as though nothing is wrong as they fall apart on the inside all the while. Don't fool yourself into believing that you are the only one aching or that your ache is any more severe than anyone else. 

How you choose to handle your aches and complaints is your business and it is not my place to judge. It is simply my personal opinion that if we all were a bit more compassionate to the misery of others and a lot less focused on our issues of self, this world would be a much happier place and a lot more people would have a lot less reason to complain so often.

Rebuilding Yourself

I had a friend of mine share a challenge she had undergone. It was a challenge to learn to love yourself. Not just to say you love yourself, but to really learn to love who you are and what you are and all of you deep inside.

I had undergone a transformation some years back that taught me to love myself. I learned that I was a good person and that I was strong enough to handle life on my own. I didn't need a companion. I didn't need a man. I could take care of myself. I could support myself. But most importantly, I could BE myself. I didn't need to pretend to be less than I am. I didn't need to pretend I wasn't as smart as I am. I didn't need to watch my attitude or change my language. I could just be ME.

I learned that if people don't like me for who I am and how I am, then they don't really like me at all. I have learned not to settle for less than I deserve and also not to settle for less than I expect. I was in no hurry to have a partner because I had learned I could do this alone and that made it much easier for me to be selective.

I had spent my whole life, very literally to that point, being told how ugly I was or how fat I was. I was told that I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. I was told that without "him" whether that was the step dad or the boyfriend, or the husband.... that without "him" I would never be anything!

I always knew that I was better and that I deserved better, but it was hard. It is hard to break that shell. It is hard to get out from under the doubt that you are taught from day one. I never thought of myself as beautiful. I never thought of myself as attractive. I never thought I had anything to offer and so I settled for the first man that came by and told me he loved me. I didn't know then that he didn't know what love was or how to love in a healthy manner. I was injured and unhealthy so I didn't recognize that he was too. Looking back I know that we attract what we perceive ourselves to be.

I came from a childhood of being told how fat, ugly and stupid I was only to marry into a relationship that expanded on that. I was no longer a fat, ugly and stupid child, now I was a fat, ugly and stupid wife. Now I was worthless and I was an idiot. I was a bitch and a whore. I was miserable and deserved to be because every beating I got, I had asked for. At least that was his version.

I knew I deserved better and I knew my children deserved better. My problem is that I didn't see myself as better and therefore had a longer and harder struggle in front of me than I could even imagine. Skipping many years of gruesome details let's fast forward to the point where I learned the lesson to love me and to know that I am not the worthless things they told me I was. I did learn that I didn't need a man and certainly NOT THAT MAN!

I spent several years living by myself and taking care of myself without the help of anyone but especially NOT A MAN. Then it happened. One day this wonderful man came into my world and I found the love I knew was out there. I found the man that treated me the way I KNEW I deserved to be treated. He respected me and he treated me with love and compassion. He didn't raise his voice let alone a fist. I learned to believe I deserved love and respect and then it found me.

All of that being said, I am still very insecure. I still don't see my beauty and I still hide from cameras. So this man can love me, but I don't really understand why. I just knew that it was too good to let go of. I am a good person. I do good things. I care and I tend to those I love. THIS is why he loves me. When he tells me I am beautiful I choose to believe that it is my actions he is complimenting not my appearance. I have never learned to accept the beauty of who I am and have spent my whole life (which is creeping quickly toward 50 yrs) being told and believing that I was ugly and fat.

Back to my friend and her challenge. She took a picture of herself every day and posted it online to help with her self esteem. She told me after a month it made a huge impact. I decided to try it. I have done this now for 7 days and I get all the compliments she said I would but I am still having a difficult time believing them. I do this every day because I told her I would. I want to grow. I want to love myself completely. I want to feel free to be me and not worry about what others are going to think. I haven't gotten there but I am on a road that will take me there.

I have to share that the thing that hit me the hardest and really opened my eyes was the email I got from a male friend of mine. We are simply friends and nothing more but to have a male who is not my husband say to me the things that he said truly brought tears to my eyes. He saw me for who I am. He saw my beauty and my strength. He saw my struggle without even knowing my past or my history. Reading the message he left me literally brought tears to my eyes. For a moment I could see what he was seeing and it was beautiful. What I saw was that beauty is not in your face or your hair, it is in your soul. If you TRULY love yourself and believe in yourself your inner beauty radiates so brightly that even if you had no outer beauty, you would. I understood this when he told me but I have to admit I am still having difficulty applying it to myself.

The words he told me are very simple and yet they were so profound that this is now what I tell myself every day as encouragement to accept the challenge of posting my picture. He told me
 "So, do you think that metamorphosis is easy for the butterfly? Yes, that's right; I said butterfly, not caterpillar. Because that is not what the creature is, a caterpillar. It is a butterfly. It is just evolving into what it was always meant to be. It might be easy to stay a caterpillar, but it would not achieve it's destiny, it's purpose. You are greater than you think you are, more powerful than you know. I'm not trying to shuffle buffalo here or blow smoke
 Become the butterfly. Become. BE.
Just BE. Be yourself, be real and LOVE yourself.
Perfect? Well . . . yes. You are perfect being you"

Become the butterfly. Become. BE.

This is what I tell myself every day and honestly, this is the most helpful thing I have heard. 

I can say thank you a thousand times to this dear friend, but I don't think I can ever tell him how much he and his wisdom truly mean to me. So for now, I will continue with my selfies and as my metamorphosis begins, I will continue to thank those who steered me to this path and those that have helped to guide me down it! 

The Return of the House Guests

My house guests are back. After tucking in the witchlet and while talking with a Sister about her current situation I was startled by the presence of the boy and an adult. Not sure why they are back. I havent seen them in a month or so. Brooklynn has seen them and spoken of them in the last few days, but tonight was the first time I have seen them since we changed her room. I dont have the ability to fully understand what it is they need or are trying to convey. But for me to actually see them again means there IS something they need, or need to convey. I can not help but think that it is related to the issue I was talking to my sweet Sister about although I have no way of knowing this surely. I will meditate and dream of this I am sure. Hopefully I can come to a sure and comfortable answer so I can help them OR they can help me. I do not feel any negativity from them, it was just a bit startling to look up and see them when I have not seen nor felt their presence in so long. I try not to ask the witchlet too much about them unless she brings them up. Mostly all I get from her is that she will point to where she sees them and tell me they are there. I dont think she knows what they want either. She does not seem to be bothered by them much, except that they do linger more in the shadow or dim light than in the day light. Sometimes I wish I had someone that could just give me answers. I know there are others with talents other than my own. Why is it that I would have the gift of seeing them if I can not communicate with them? Why is it that I can sense some things but others I am at a total loss?

I truly believe that these are gifts we are given and that there is a reason for them. I just do not understand why we are not given any instruction on how to use them or how to develop other parts that would definitely enhance the parts we have. Is it part of my journey to discover someone who can fill in the blanks I can not? Or is it that I am supposed to develop the parts I do not have? Some days I just do not know. What I do know is that I have a lot going on with the gifts I do have. I can not possibly begin to imagine having MORE to deal with than what I have. Again, I am sure I will be meditating.

I apologize for the rambling. Maybe I should start a group for folks that need to talk and interact with people having gifts other than there own. Wouldnt that be nice to have a place where you could go and hook up with people that have the gifts you need to get things done and not have to struggle or feel like you are flailing about because you only have half of what you need to get a job done? What am I talking about?! I am sure that there are dozens of places like that already.... But why haven't I found them?? Thanks again for reading.

Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.

 Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.

 Sometimes we need to ramble to heal.

 Most days I dont really think about my Mom any more. She passed almost 27 years ago. Sure she crosses my mind from time to time, but not like it was in the beginning. Let me back up. Without the back story, the rest of this probably will make as much sense to you as my randomly blurting out the color of my underwear without explaining what I was referring to. Which, by the way, Im not going to do so dont worry there!

My mother crossed through the veil on October 2, 1988. She was 44 years old. Never in my life have I ever felt the absolute anguish that I felt that night. I honestly felt that my beating heart was torn right from my chest. I was 21. Over the next few months and probably even the first year to even two, I missed my mother every day. Not a moment passed that I didn't miss her in one fashion or another. From needing to call for a quick question or needing a recipe I knew she had. I can not begin to tell you how  many times I picked up the phone to dial the number only to realize once it began to ring that she would never again pick up the other end. I also can not begin to describe to you how exactly that feels. Knowing that the person you are trying to reach will NEVER answer your calls again.

Some time went by and slowly I got used to the idea that Mom would not be there so I stopped trying to call. I still missed her when my children would do something sweet or special or so down right rotten that I would think and often say aloud, "If only my Mom could see this!" It seemed she was missing all the good stuff and I was missing her. Eventually that shifted too.

Time passed as it always does. As I dealt with the struggles of my own life and the choices I had made several things began to occur to me. The first thing being how everyone tends to turn those who have crossed over into some kind of saint. It is almost as if now that they aren't here, none of their short comings ever happened or existed. Like they had never made a single mistake in their life. Why is this? Why do we turn the dead into the revered? After time even that faded. I was so absorbed in my own life and my own woes that I had no time to miss my mother day in and day out. She still crossed my mind and I still loved her and missed her, but that thought was no longer the first thought I had every day nor was it the last thought I had every night.

Fast forward now to years later... I don't even know how many... but a lot.

I started to think of all the things that my mother should have done as a mom, and didn't. I started to think of all the times that my mother not only let me or my siblings down, but how she never picked herself back up. I started to remember all the things about my mother that were not so pretty. Did this mean I didn't love her? No. Of course not. It meant that she was not perfect and I was seeing that. I don't believe my mother was a bad person. I believe my mother was a weak person. Sometimes it still hurts to think that she was not there when I needed her. It hurts to know that even when she was there, she wouldn't help me. When I think about all the times as a child I really NEEDED my Mom, I can not think of ONE of those times that she was ever emotionally available. Do I think that my mom really 'didn't want' to be there? No. I just don't think she was capable. I honestly don't think my mother knew how to be a mother. She didn't know how to stand up for herself and by extension, had no idea how to protect or defend her children. As a result, we were subjected to a lot of things that children should never be subjected to.

Fast forward again... I dont know how far, just hold the button down a while and let it up when you catch up to where I am.

I had my own children and was making a lot of choices that at the time I made them, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for my children. Looking back now, I see that as much as I loved those children and as fiercely as I fought to protect them, I too was making bad choices. I didn't know how to be a mother either. Okay, realistically, none of us do... there is no handbook on parenting, but I honestly had no role model to follow. My mother checked out mentally before I was even old enough to register what that meant. I lived in a war zone on a daily basis and struggled my best to help my younger siblings along. Now that I had my own children, it seemed like I kept choosing relationships that were war zones. After all, that was all I knew. Even though I KNEW there had to be something better. I mean, I KNEW that I DESERVED better. MY CHILDREN deserved better, I had a difficult time finding that better. I had no mom to go to for advice. I had no mom to call and cry on her shoulder. I had no mom.

I did the very best I could raising my children. I know now looking back that I made mistakes. I see the choices they make as adults and can see where some of them are directly related to choices I made when they were young and at times like this, I ache. Had I been wiser. Had I been stronger. Had I only made better choices, they would be better equipped. In some areas I definitely failed my children. I can honestly say that some of that is my own mother's fault. Had I had a role model, or a mother figure, I may have done things a little better. Had someone ever taught me financial responsibility, I would have understood it better and been able to pass that down to my children. Had I been taught to plan for the future, possibly my children wouldnt be struggling so much now? Of course then there is the part where they make their own choices and no matter what I did try to teach them, only so much can fall back on their lineage. The rest is personal choice. I get that.

If we fast forward just a few more years at this point, I am not thinking much of my mom at all these days. I am just trying to get through the day and the main thought on my mind is just literally making it through the day. I think of how I got myself into the mess I am in and how if I ever get out of it I will definitely have to change some things. I think about how all this time I have been searching for answers and desperately seeking someone to love me as much as I had love to give, only to end up dying, at home and alone. How ironic is that? I spent 35 yrs or more looking desperately for that "better" that I knew had to be out there somewhere and now I am not sure that I will even make it through the night. No one could have let their own children down more than I did right?  Wrong.

I did make it through that. Obviously, I am here now. And I stayed true to my word as well.. once I got through that, things needed to change. I did a whole lot of self evaluation. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues and learned how to love myself and move on. I did learn how to love myself. I did move on. I learned a lot of things about myself and the rest of the world. I learned a lot about life and about my own personal truth. Most of all, I learned about LOVE. Real, honest, make your soul ache love. That was something I had never experienced before. Partially because I didn't feel that I had it from my parents and partially because I was tarnished from not having it with my parents so even though I had it with my children, it was different. I quit looking for that man to love me and learned to love myself. When I did finally love myself, that man walked into my life.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and trembled because of what was reflected back to you? If you have not then you have no idea what REAL, HONEST, TRUE TO YOUR SOUL love really is. I had never in my life been so afraid as I was to look into my husband's eyes and literally SEE the depth of his love for me. I still see it all these years later. That is when I began to heal. I still don't think much about my mom at this point.

A few years go by and my life is going pretty darn well. I have learned all about financial responsibility and not only are the bills being paid and on time, but credit is building and we are able to have nice things. New cars. A nice home. Grandchildren......that is a whole other lesson in love and a whole other story. What is important is that we have a chance now with the MP to do all those things that were so wrong, over. We have the chance to do them right and I am determined to do so. I am thinking about my mom a little more now.

MP is 3yrs old now. I have learned so much from the mistakes that I made with my older children. I have learned so much from the mistakes my mom made raising us. I think about her a bit more these days.

Here is the thing; Did I tell you that MP was born on my mother's birthday? No? well she was. For those of you who like numbers take a stab at this... My mother was born on 2/9/44. MP was born on 2/9/11. My mother would have been turning 67 the day MP was born. I was born in 67. Which made me 44 when the MP was born. There is too much here for me to think any of this was coincidence. I just haven't puzzled out exactly what it all means yet.

I find myself thinking of my mom more and more these days. Was she the fireball as a child that the MP is? That certainly is NOT the mom that I remember. The woman that was emotionally beaten down and disconnected. How could she EVER have been the spitfire the MP is? The sad thing is, there is no one to ask. The only relative left that I speak with is my mother's youngest sister. But she is more like a sister to me. She was closer in age to me than to my mother. She was not around when my mother was a child to have those answers and though she tries to help me with a lot, there are some questions she just can not answer for me.

Now, when I want to know what I was like or where the pictures of me are, there are only limited things that my aunt can help me with. In reality, I really miss my mom a lot. Now that I am finally letting that wound heal. And believe me, it is still raw, open and gaping, but it is finally beginning to heal. I miss my mom again. I don't know what all was in her world that she had to contend with. She had her own demons. It would have been nice if she had ever shared truths with me. Like medical history. I had no idea that so many of my illnesses or inflictions were hereditary. I mean I knew they were. I just didnt have any clue where I got them. After talking with my aunt, I am finding that a lot of them were from my mom. Why didnt my mom tell me? Why didnt she tell me that if you needed a thyroid pill you had to take it for the rest of your life? Why did I have to learn that the hard way in my early 20s? IN MY 20s?? I had never had a prescription other than antibiotics until then. How was I supposed to know I had to refill the damn thing? Why didnt she tell me that? Why didnt she tell me how having children was the most difficult thing I would ever do? Or that every choice I made would impact them greater than it did me? Did she even KNOW that? I dont think she did. I honestly think she died too early to see that. I would have liked to have learned financial responsibility so that I didnt struggle so hard and so long. But I guess she didn't know anything other than the struggle so how would she have taught me otherwise? There are so many things I would have liked to have learned. So many things that I was too busy thinking I knew it all the first time through, that I missed. So many things I would just like to ask my mom.

MP is 3 years old now. The saddest thing in the world to me is that my children never had a grandma because she crossed over when my oldest was only 2. MP will never have a grandma because I am her mom. That to me is very sad. Every child needs grandparents. Don't get me wrong, she has plenty of people that love her. But it isnt the same as having a heritage or a family history. Times like these, I miss my mom.