My house guests are back. After tucking in the witchlet and while talking with a Sister about her current situation I was startled by the presence of the boy and an adult. Not sure why they are back. I havent seen them in a month or so. Brooklynn has seen them and spoken of them in the last few days, but tonight was the first time I have seen them since we changed her room. I dont have the ability to fully understand what it is they need or are trying to convey. But for me to actually see them again means there IS something they need, or need to convey. I can not help but think that it is related to the issue I was talking to my sweet Sister about although I have no way of knowing this surely. I will meditate and dream of this I am sure. Hopefully I can come to a sure and comfortable answer so I can help them OR they can help me. I do not feel any negativity from them, it was just a bit startling to look up and see them when I have not seen nor felt their presence in so long. I try not to ask the witchlet too much about them unless she brings them up. Mostly all I get from her is that she will point to where she sees them and tell me they are there. I dont think she knows what they want either. She does not seem to be bothered by them much, except that they do linger more in the shadow or dim light than in the day light. Sometimes I wish I had someone that could just give me answers. I know there are others with talents other than my own. Why is it that I would have the gift of seeing them if I can not communicate with them? Why is it that I can sense some things but others I am at a total loss?
I truly believe that these are gifts we are given and that there is a reason for them. I just do not understand why we are not given any instruction on how to use them or how to develop other parts that would definitely enhance the parts we have. Is it part of my journey to discover someone who can fill in the blanks I can not? Or is it that I am supposed to develop the parts I do not have? Some days I just do not know. What I do know is that I have a lot going on with the gifts I do have. I can not possibly begin to imagine having MORE to deal with than what I have. Again, I am sure I will be meditating.
I apologize for the rambling. Maybe I should start a group for folks that need to talk and interact with people having gifts other than there own. Wouldnt that be nice to have a place where you could go and hook up with people that have the gifts you need to get things done and not have to struggle or feel like you are flailing about because you only have half of what you need to get a job done? What am I talking about?! I am sure that there are dozens of places like that already.... But why haven't I found them?? Thanks again for reading.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.
Sometimes we just need to walk in the rain.
Sometimes we need to ramble to heal.
Most days I dont really think about my Mom any more. She passed almost 27 years ago. Sure she crosses my mind from time to time, but not like it was in the beginning. Let me back up. Without the back story, the rest of this probably will make as much sense to you as my randomly blurting out the color of my underwear without explaining what I was referring to. Which, by the way, Im not going to do so dont worry there!
My mother crossed through the veil on October 2, 1988. She was 44 years old. Never in my life have I ever felt the absolute anguish that I felt that night. I honestly felt that my beating heart was torn right from my chest. I was 21. Over the next few months and probably even the first year to even two, I missed my mother every day. Not a moment passed that I didn't miss her in one fashion or another. From needing to call for a quick question or needing a recipe I knew she had. I can not begin to tell you how many times I picked up the phone to dial the number only to realize once it began to ring that she would never again pick up the other end. I also can not begin to describe to you how exactly that feels. Knowing that the person you are trying to reach will NEVER answer your calls again.
Some time went by and slowly I got used to the idea that Mom would not be there so I stopped trying to call. I still missed her when my children would do something sweet or special or so down right rotten that I would think and often say aloud, "If only my Mom could see this!" It seemed she was missing all the good stuff and I was missing her. Eventually that shifted too.
Time passed as it always does. As I dealt with the struggles of my own life and the choices I had made several things began to occur to me. The first thing being how everyone tends to turn those who have crossed over into some kind of saint. It is almost as if now that they aren't here, none of their short comings ever happened or existed. Like they had never made a single mistake in their life. Why is this? Why do we turn the dead into the revered? After time even that faded. I was so absorbed in my own life and my own woes that I had no time to miss my mother day in and day out. She still crossed my mind and I still loved her and missed her, but that thought was no longer the first thought I had every day nor was it the last thought I had every night.
Fast forward now to years later... I don't even know how many... but a lot.
I started to think of all the things that my mother should have done as a mom, and didn't. I started to think of all the times that my mother not only let me or my siblings down, but how she never picked herself back up. I started to remember all the things about my mother that were not so pretty. Did this mean I didn't love her? No. Of course not. It meant that she was not perfect and I was seeing that. I don't believe my mother was a bad person. I believe my mother was a weak person. Sometimes it still hurts to think that she was not there when I needed her. It hurts to know that even when she was there, she wouldn't help me. When I think about all the times as a child I really NEEDED my Mom, I can not think of ONE of those times that she was ever emotionally available. Do I think that my mom really 'didn't want' to be there? No. I just don't think she was capable. I honestly don't think my mother knew how to be a mother. She didn't know how to stand up for herself and by extension, had no idea how to protect or defend her children. As a result, we were subjected to a lot of things that children should never be subjected to.
Fast forward again... I dont know how far, just hold the button down a while and let it up when you catch up to where I am.
I had my own children and was making a lot of choices that at the time I made them, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for my children. Looking back now, I see that as much as I loved those children and as fiercely as I fought to protect them, I too was making bad choices. I didn't know how to be a mother either. Okay, realistically, none of us do... there is no handbook on parenting, but I honestly had no role model to follow. My mother checked out mentally before I was even old enough to register what that meant. I lived in a war zone on a daily basis and struggled my best to help my younger siblings along. Now that I had my own children, it seemed like I kept choosing relationships that were war zones. After all, that was all I knew. Even though I KNEW there had to be something better. I mean, I KNEW that I DESERVED better. MY CHILDREN deserved better, I had a difficult time finding that better. I had no mom to go to for advice. I had no mom to call and cry on her shoulder. I had no mom.
I did the very best I could raising my children. I know now looking back that I made mistakes. I see the choices they make as adults and can see where some of them are directly related to choices I made when they were young and at times like this, I ache. Had I been wiser. Had I been stronger. Had I only made better choices, they would be better equipped. In some areas I definitely failed my children. I can honestly say that some of that is my own mother's fault. Had I had a role model, or a mother figure, I may have done things a little better. Had someone ever taught me financial responsibility, I would have understood it better and been able to pass that down to my children. Had I been taught to plan for the future, possibly my children wouldnt be struggling so much now? Of course then there is the part where they make their own choices and no matter what I did try to teach them, only so much can fall back on their lineage. The rest is personal choice. I get that.
If we fast forward just a few more years at this point, I am not thinking much of my mom at all these days. I am just trying to get through the day and the main thought on my mind is just literally making it through the day. I think of how I got myself into the mess I am in and how if I ever get out of it I will definitely have to change some things. I think about how all this time I have been searching for answers and desperately seeking someone to love me as much as I had love to give, only to end up dying, at home and alone. How ironic is that? I spent 35 yrs or more looking desperately for that "better" that I knew had to be out there somewhere and now I am not sure that I will even make it through the night. No one could have let their own children down more than I did right? Wrong.
I did make it through that. Obviously, I am here now. And I stayed true to my word as well.. once I got through that, things needed to change. I did a whole lot of self evaluation. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues and learned how to love myself and move on. I did learn how to love myself. I did move on. I learned a lot of things about myself and the rest of the world. I learned a lot about life and about my own personal truth. Most of all, I learned about LOVE. Real, honest, make your soul ache love. That was something I had never experienced before. Partially because I didn't feel that I had it from my parents and partially because I was tarnished from not having it with my parents so even though I had it with my children, it was different. I quit looking for that man to love me and learned to love myself. When I did finally love myself, that man walked into my life.
Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and trembled because of what was reflected back to you? If you have not then you have no idea what REAL, HONEST, TRUE TO YOUR SOUL love really is. I had never in my life been so afraid as I was to look into my husband's eyes and literally SEE the depth of his love for me. I still see it all these years later. That is when I began to heal. I still don't think much about my mom at this point.
A few years go by and my life is going pretty darn well. I have learned all about financial responsibility and not only are the bills being paid and on time, but credit is building and we are able to have nice things. New cars. A nice home. Grandchildren......that is a whole other lesson in love and a whole other story. What is important is that we have a chance now with the MP to do all those things that were so wrong, over. We have the chance to do them right and I am determined to do so. I am thinking about my mom a little more now.
MP is 3yrs old now. I have learned so much from the mistakes that I made with my older children. I have learned so much from the mistakes my mom made raising us. I think about her a bit more these days.
Here is the thing; Did I tell you that MP was born on my mother's birthday? No? well she was. For those of you who like numbers take a stab at this... My mother was born on 2/9/44. MP was born on 2/9/11. My mother would have been turning 67 the day MP was born. I was born in 67. Which made me 44 when the MP was born. There is too much here for me to think any of this was coincidence. I just haven't puzzled out exactly what it all means yet.
I find myself thinking of my mom more and more these days. Was she the fireball as a child that the MP is? That certainly is NOT the mom that I remember. The woman that was emotionally beaten down and disconnected. How could she EVER have been the spitfire the MP is? The sad thing is, there is no one to ask. The only relative left that I speak with is my mother's youngest sister. But she is more like a sister to me. She was closer in age to me than to my mother. She was not around when my mother was a child to have those answers and though she tries to help me with a lot, there are some questions she just can not answer for me.
Now, when I want to know what I was like or where the pictures of me are, there are only limited things that my aunt can help me with. In reality, I really miss my mom a lot. Now that I am finally letting that wound heal. And believe me, it is still raw, open and gaping, but it is finally beginning to heal. I miss my mom again. I don't know what all was in her world that she had to contend with. She had her own demons. It would have been nice if she had ever shared truths with me. Like medical history. I had no idea that so many of my illnesses or inflictions were hereditary. I mean I knew they were. I just didnt have any clue where I got them. After talking with my aunt, I am finding that a lot of them were from my mom. Why didnt my mom tell me? Why didnt she tell me that if you needed a thyroid pill you had to take it for the rest of your life? Why did I have to learn that the hard way in my early 20s? IN MY 20s?? I had never had a prescription other than antibiotics until then. How was I supposed to know I had to refill the damn thing? Why didnt she tell me that? Why didnt she tell me how having children was the most difficult thing I would ever do? Or that every choice I made would impact them greater than it did me? Did she even KNOW that? I dont think she did. I honestly think she died too early to see that. I would have liked to have learned financial responsibility so that I didnt struggle so hard and so long. But I guess she didn't know anything other than the struggle so how would she have taught me otherwise? There are so many things I would have liked to have learned. So many things that I was too busy thinking I knew it all the first time through, that I missed. So many things I would just like to ask my mom.
MP is 3 years old now. The saddest thing in the world to me is that my children never had a grandma because she crossed over when my oldest was only 2. MP will never have a grandma because I am her mom. That to me is very sad. Every child needs grandparents. Don't get me wrong, she has plenty of people that love her. But it isnt the same as having a heritage or a family history. Times like these, I miss my mom.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The Trying Times
Living in Arizona has so many pluses and a few draw backs. The one drawback is that it is very dry so everything in it is very dry including your skin. Easy fix to that, you have lotion in every room of the house. You apply it to your body after showering, to your hands after washing them, or doing dishes, and several other times throughout the day as you feel you need to use it. Really, very easy fix.
Now, some people buy lotions purely for the smell or the lack of oily feel or the easy absorption... various reasons. I buy most lotions for the way they are absorbed, but I have been on this kick lately for buying lavender lotion. I love the way lavender smells and I love the soothing affect that it has. With a trying 3 yr old this is a wonderful quality to have subtly around the house at various times of the day every day. Trust me. You will understand by the time I am through here.
My daughter whom I lovingly refer to as the Monster Princess, or MP for short has recently turned 3yrs old. There is a reason that the 3rd year has been referred to by many psychologists and pediatricians not to mention parents alike as the 'Trying Threes'. This is a year where your child will 'try' everything! And a multitude of times. Including your patience! Today was really the first adventure in 'trying' more than just pushing boundaries for my husband and I with this child. Mind you, we have 6 other children but the one closest in age is already 18 and enrolled to begin college in the fall, so this is as good as never having been here before since it has been so long ago. There is definitely truth to the saying that your mind forgets that which was traumatic or truly horrible. This all being said, let me tell you what our last hour was like here in my home.
We had just finished eating our lunch outside on the patio. The weather was a beautiful 80 degrees with a nice breeze blowing. Really very comfortable and relaxing. I came into the house to use the bathroom. In the 5 minutes of peace that I had to myself, I should have known that I would come out to a nightmare! I mean really, when do I EVER get to pee alone? I have a 3yr old after all.
My husband was out on the patio with our daughter, or so I thought. Silence was heavenly. I was SO WRONG! I should have listened to the warning bells going off in my head and hurried myself through my visit to the bathroom like any other time. As I am washing my hands and looking for the lotion it occurs to me at the same moment I hear my husband's voice asking my daughter, "What have you gotten into?" That the lotion was moved out of that bathroom because she kept getting into it. So I dried my hands and went out into the living room where I saw the dog and the cat both lying right against the wall as if they were waiting for me, so they could tell on someone. I smell lavender. I hear my husband still talking to our daughter, "Brooklynn," he says, "You really do know better than this." Of course the MP says nothing. As I come past the animals, I notice they are not just waiting for me to get out of the bathroom, they are 'hiding' from the 3yr old. I continue through the living room into the den and see my husband wiping of the MP's hands and she has a huge glop of lotion on her chin. Thinking to myself, "This explains why I smell lavender." The lightbulb comes on above my head at this moment.
The dog is COVERED in lotion. From the top of her head, down her back and all over her one side. She was definitely 'rubbed down' with lotion. The cat had lotion on her hind quarters, but I think only because she wouldn't stand still long enough for the MP to coat her as well. There is lotion on the carpet in the living room and there is lotion all over all the handles and doors to the china cabinet. My husband is diligently cleaning up the MP and keeps muttering things like, "I just can't believe you did this." "You know you aren't supposed to climb on things." "You could have fallen and really gotten hurt." While I am impressed with the patience he is showing it reminds me that it IS only lotion so how bad can it be right? I mean after all, I have the worst of it right here. He caught her in the act and cleaned her up first. Right?? I would have. RIGHT??
As I proceeded into the kitchen to get wipes to clean up the china cabinet (the animals were going to need baths, no doubt about that) and the carpet, I passed through the den where my husband is doing what I can only describe as turtle waxing the television screen. He had already cleaned up the top of the entertainment center (which is where the lotion from the bathroom had been put) and was now cleaning up the television screen that our daughter had finger painted with half a bottle of purple lotion. The house smells fantastic by the way!
I proceed into the kitchen and see that the large 'economy' sized bottle that I just bought 2 days ago is more than a quarter gone. My microwave is covered in purple slime and the counter top looks as though someone frosted it like a cake. Thickly spread and smeared everywhere. The cabinets in front of the sink were slathered and my husband is saying that the couches and the tables in the den were coated as well. At this point, MP is beginning to realize that as my husband and I are quietly and calmly cleaning like mechanical versions of her parents, she should be worried.
"Sorry, Daddy." "I didn't mean to do it." comes out of her little mouth.
"Oh, Im sure the only thing you didn't mean was to get caught," her Daddy calmly replied.
At this point Daddy and Mommy are standing side by side at the kitchen sink respectively cleaning off lotion bottles. Daddy the one from the living room and Mommy, the one from the kitchen.
MP hugs my leg and says, "Sorry, Mom". I looked down and said, "Brooklynn, you know you aren't supposed to climb on things and you KNOW you are not supposed to play in the lotion".
This is where my husband looks at me with a grin and says, "Well at least the TV is going to smell good for a long time". I laughed and said, "Yeah, so is the dog!"
Poor dog. She is still covered in greasy purple goop. She is just laying at my feet with that look on her face that says, "PLEASE MOM!! Just don't let her touch me any more!"
After my husband and I had calmly and rather efficiently cleaned up all the messes that we found, we tucked the Monster (not a Princess at that moment) in for her nap and plopped ourselves on the loveseat. Side by side both of us quietly laughing at this ordeal and commenting on how the good thing is...
"The good thing is," he said, "at least it smells good".
"The good thing is," I replied, "I know what lavender is for and have that all through the house instead of something like eucalyptus!" We both laughed at that and agreed that something that would invigorate her was NOT the best scent to have in the home of a 3yr old.
My husband looked over at the dog, who is still cowering beside me no matter where I go and said "Poor Anthrax. She just laid there and took it". I agreed. "Poor Anthrax. She was trying to eat her lunch and the MP cornered her and slathered her down. The poor dog never even finished her food".
Now that everything is cleaned up and my husband and I made it through that ordeal calmly and comically, we are complimenting each other on how well we kept our cool and how funny this all really was. After all, it was only lotion. No one and no animals were hurt in the execution of this stunt. And last but not least, we proved to each other again, that even after 10 years, 7 children, and various grandchildren, we really do work together well when we need to. Once again we were reminded that we do come together in times of adversity and that we definitely compliment each other in trying times.
The trying times..... Sounds like a good title for a book. (Well, at least for this blog post!)
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Why just get wet?
It seems to me that sometimes people just can not be true to themselves. Sometimes people talk the talk but they can not back it up. I have worked long and hard to repair myself. I know there is a lot of work left but I am after all, a work in progress. As I progress on my path of self reflection and personal growth, I am learning more about others than I ever thought or intended I would. It isnt that I am really 'trying' to learn about others but when you are learning about yourself, you can not help but learn about others as well.
I did not start out to be one of those people that spread blessings on everyone else and was always cheerful and happy. When I was a child, a person that was so happy and so generous was someone that put me on my guard instantly. I thought it was 'abnormal' for someone to be so peaceful and happy all the time and in my life, I suppose it was. What I have learned along the way is that it is only abnormal to those who do not look for the silver lining. It is only abnormal for those so filled with negativity that so much positive energy felt uncomfortable.
I have been learning to let go. An odd way of seeing things when what I want is to obtain something. I have learned that in order for the good things to come into your life, you have to be willing to let other things go in order to have room for those good things to come in to. I have also been learning that you can not just let anything go. You have to be sure that anything you are setting down and walking away from, has been properly diffused. After carrying all that negative energy around for so long, to just let it loose into the universe is like sending out time released capsules of bad juju. Seriously. You know how toxic that stuff was while you held it in, why in the world would you just toss it to the wind? Make sure that you examine everything that you are leaving behind and that you have neutralized it and grounded it before you let it go.
This takes a lot of work. You really have to go through all of your personal memories, good, bad, and otherwise. You need to examine and heal the wounds you have buried deep inside. This really is NO easy task. This is the part that is the most painful and time consuming. It is also the most necessary. A lot of people try to skip this step.
I have found that if you try to skip this step, you tend to be consumed by the rage that you suppress and you never do heal nor can you ever truly progress. It is more like walking in deep dark circles. Some people try to convince themselves they are changing and healing because the scenery changes as they move in orbit around the circle, but eventually if they are honest with themselves, they realize that they are circling back around and nothing is healing and nothing is changing. I walked that circle for way too many years!
Back to the point I suppose, you know you have finally begun to heal and let go when you see and sense the negativity in others. When you have let go of enough of your own, you are no longer drawn to it and begin to recognize it when it is near. You begin to be able to distinguish between the truly negative and the situationally negative. We are all human and we all have moments that get us down. We all lose our sight for a moment or two here or there. The important thing is not to take up residence there. Feel it. Examine it. Learn from it. Let it go.
I know that I am growing spiritually and can gauge that growth oddly enough by the blessings I receive and the blessings I bestow. Like that creepy lady from when I was a child. I find myself daily leaving blessings on and for my friends and for strangers. I also find myself receiving blessings. I like this, unlike when I was was a child. It is truly an honor now to receive the blessings of others. What a wonderful gift that really is! The perfect example is one from the other evening. I had been doing tarot readings and anyone who knows about tarot knows that it draws from your own personal energy stash. I had many people signing up left and right for tarot readings and I could not keep up. I had offered 10 and had at least 30 sign up. One of my patrons sent a message inquiring if it were alright to come back for a second reading as she had had one the month before.
Firstly, I thought to myself, how very kind and generous of her to understand that this is a gift I am giving by doing these for free. My second thought was, how considerate of her to realize that I am giving of myself in order to help others. I had already done my limit of 10 readings for that night, and then some. I sent her a message explaining that yes, it was alright for her to ask further guidance and that I was so grateful she asked. I also informed her that I had already done my readings for that evening but if she signed up and sent me an inbox message I would definitely honor her request within a day or two. To my surprise she replied by thanking me for all of my time and effort and then blessed me with the energy needed for the wonderful gift that I had been sharing. This woman instantly gave back to me a good portion of what I had already spent with just kind words. Funny how that works isnt it? Those kind words not only rejuvenated me, but left with me a sense of ease. After reading for this lady a few days later, I felt the need to repay the blessing she had bestowed on me and offered additional consultation on her reading and access to resources that she was unaware of.
Isn't it remarkable how one kind deed can cause a tidal wave of kindness? It is also with negativity. So if you are going to cause a storm, why not a rain storm? Why not let it pour love and compassion? Why just get wet when you could actually be dancing in the rain?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Weathering the storm
Learning to dance in the rain. Or learning to let yourself experience the pain so you can heal. How many wounds do we have that are buried so deeply inside? That we have forced ourselves NOT to remember? That we have simply laid aside because they were to painful to deal with? As I live this life and walk this path, I learn new things every day. I think the biggest lessons are the ones I am still learning about who I am. The lessons about what made me who I am. Today while speaking with my closest friend of 30 years I had a revelation that I never expected.
I truly knew that there were many things that I have experienced and have had to face in order to grow and heal. I also realized that there were many issues that I set aside either because they were too painful to deal with, or they seemed inconsequential at the time. I am learning that EVERYTHING is consequential.
Things that I have shrugged off as, "Well that is just the way it was" or "It is over and I know what NOT to imitate" ... these things that I 'thought' I had let go of an moved on.. these are the things that are so deeply buried that the venom of the infection is still burning and eating away at me. This is still affecting my core being and my habits, my attitudes, and my behaviors. This is something that I have examined from other angles at various other times but for some reason, today it all jumped out at me.
I am not discounting the lessons I have already learned. Nor am I making these lessons the only lessons that have value. EVERY LESSON LEARNED HAS VALUE! However, upon self examination I further realized that I have come this far and done all of this completely on my own.
I have not had extensive hours of expensive therapy. I have had no one diagnose my 'traumas' or tell me what I needed to work on to become a better person. I have had no one person to turn to or to lean on to give me that comfort and encouragement I needed or sought to go through the steps necessary to address the wounds of my life or the pains of my past. I am not saying there were no people that cared or that there were no people that wanted to help. What I am saying is that I felt isolated. I felt judged. I felt unworthy and unloved and for those reasons, I withdrew. I closed myself off.
I have worked very hard to learn how to correct my mistakes. I have worked very hard to learn that loving and accepting myself was one of the first steps to finding love and acceptance from others. I have worked to forgive a lot of the wrongs done to me and to forgive myself for wrongs I have done. I am still working and learning how to let others in. I learned today that I still have open wounds. Although they have been buried so deeply that I can not even see them myself, they are there. They can not heal until they can be exposed to the air and be cleansed.
I am not the person I was 30 yrs ago. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I am not done learning. I am not done healing. All of that being said, I am NOT a bad person. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes my judgement is still skewed in certain situations. No matter how loudly or how often I say I dont care what people think of me, I learned today that is not true. I do care. I care very much.
Caring what people think of me, and changing who I am to impress others are NOT the same thing. I am still who I am. I still do what I think is right. I will not change who I am or what I believe to please others but it still hurts to realize that they do not like me for me. It still hurts to accept that no matter how much I try to heal me, I will never be good enough for some others. This is a deep rooted wound. One that is extensive enough that after all the years of self examination and retrospect, I had hidden it deeply enough that it hadnt even surfaced until this one afternoon while chatting with a friend.
I guess the point to all of this rambling about learning and healing and growing is very simply, we all have a tendency to fool ourselves into over looking the things that are the toughest to address. I have grown in so many ways. I have accepted and truly learned so many lessons. I have realized today that it is time to examine this wound thoroughly so that it may be cleansed and may begin to truly heal. No more slapping band aids on it. It is time to let it be exposed to the air with the occasional bump or painful rubbing against life so that it may truly heal and stop coming back again and again as a festering infection that causes more pain and fever. It is time to really clean it and let it go.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Maybe This IS My Path
Of course now we are done with the move. I am here 2000 miles from where I started and I am happy. I am about 95% unpacked and have hit a stand still. Need more bookshelves. Need more closet space. Need to figure out how in the world I acquired so much stuff!
The Monster Princess is loving the change. She loves her daily walks and our trips to the park. She is exploring and learning so much and so fast! We are adjusting to our new environment and our new schedule, but things have definitely slowed down. We are very happy.
Now that you have had the readers digest condensed version of how things are now, here is the real reason for the post.
I have been told a multitude of times in my life that my purpose was to bring peace and to bring unity. Of course, me being who I am... I have to find my own meaning to this. I am not going to believe the words of another over my own path. I have been walking this path for well over 30 yrs now and have finally come to a point, where I "thought" I knew who I was. I say thought because over the last few days and even weeks, that has been changing. Last fall I accepted who I was and what my challenge was to be. The challenge I accepted was to enter the phase of my life bestowed upon me. I transitioned from Mother to Crone. Although I did not see myself as wise, I was told otherwise and told that this was the path I must walk. I must trust and believe in myself and share with others the wisdom they needed.
HOW DO YOU WALK THIS PATH? REALLY.
I honestly don't know how to walk this path so I continued being me and have tried to be there for those who ask for help. I am learning what to say and when to say it or when NOT to say it. I am learning to be careful with my words and the way they are used. I say I am learning because I am human and it is not something you can do once and then always get it right. It is something that you need to continually work to achieve.
When discussing my move here to the desert with one a very good friend of mine, I had made the statement that me, being a water soul and longing for and loving the desert had totally confounded my husband. My answer was, maybe growing up here and not being around water taught me the value and how to appreciate water. That good friend made a statement that was more profound to me than she could ever know. It resonated deeply enough that days later, I can still feel the vibration of it. She said simply, "Or maybe you will bring water to the desert."
Thinking about this I am thinking about how things are changing all around me. How can one person change the world? Be yourself and have the right friends. Truly, that is the answer.
Who would have thought that I would be friends with some very influential people? I never did. Who would have thought that I would be the hub in some of the greatest connections? I never did. Who would have thought that so many things would change for so many people just because I was involve. I certainly NEVER did! I am not saying any of this to "pat my own back" or to promote my influence at all. Instead I am saying this a bit in surprise myself.
I have connected people of different walks just by being friends with both. I have put certain people in touch with others just by being me.
I have become very good friends with a self proclaimed "Heretic Christian". He calls himself this because over the course of our friendship he has learned to be tolerant and understanding of a faith other than his own. He has learned that what makes you a good person is what you believe, but not in a religious sense. He has learned that "faith" is important, but that having said faith is more spiritual than religious. Over the course of our relationship he has begun to question the teachings of his own religion based solely on his own beliefs and what he beliefs to be just.
I have become very good friends with a woman whom I consider to be highly respected and well connected in the Pagan culture. I have looked up to her and respected her in an almost reverent nature. She is my mentor and I hope I can be as graceful and wise as she is. Imagine my surprise when she tells me that I am wise and that I am a blessing!
My nature is to doubt myself and not take the credit that is given. But when I stand back and I am honest with myself and my spirit, I see that I am these things they are saying about me. I am that one that can connect two faiths that fear each other. I am that one that is trying to make a difference in the world, even if only just in my corner.
Who knows, maybe by changing my corner, and each of the influential people I touch change what they call their corner, maybe this ONE person can make a difference. And maybe, just maybe.....
I will be the one to bring water to the desert!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Momma Needs a Nap!
So the MP refused to nap today. We had a morning full of challenges. Everything was a battle. After laying in her bed for an hour playing and singing and kicking the wall I realized she was not going to go to sleep and let her get up. So far she is being quiet with her snack while watching Paw Patrol.
My house is in shambles and my OCD is in high distress alert! I have boxes stacked 8 ft high and you can not find the computer room at all. All of the furniture is taken apart and stored in the bedroom and the dining room. The living room has been taken over by boxes and the sofa is stacked 7 ft tall with blankets that will be used to wrap furniture and pillows that will be used to stuff the car top carrier. I have one chair and one love seat that can be used as furniture and I am seriously battling high anxiety over this cluttered mess. I realize it is all for a good reason and that in 6 days we will be leaving to finally be reunited with my loving husband however I am having a very difficult time coping with this level of anxiety for the next six days!
We have abnormally cold temperatures and today are supposed to be getting 2-4 inches of snow. I know most of the country has had subzero temps and snow since December, but we had 65 degrees yesterday! This weather means MP is stuck inside and with the house in the shape it is in, there is nothing for her to do and no where for her to go! We are trying to find games to play and stories to read (that haven't been packed) to help keep her occupied. Doing a lot of singing and a little bit of dancing where we can find room for it. Needless to say with the combination of obstacles my motherhood technique is truly being tested!
Trying to gather some information and ideas for a small Imbolc celebration for the two of us. We can not do a full ritual or a large celebration due to everything being packed and we will be full blown in the middle of packing the moving truck on Imbolc. I am however going to take time out later in the evening for she and I to have a small little celebration since she is at the perfect age to begin to learn bits and pieces and I think that celebration of "new beginnings" and "Rebirth" are extremely appropriate considering what is going on in our lives right now! Talk about timing! I could not have planned it this way. That plan was definitely laid by someone higher than me!
Here is to hoping I can get her Rapunzel dress off of her and washed at least once between now and the 3rd or its going to be a really sticky, smelly ride to Arizona!
Love and light and thanks for stopping in!
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